Why I Refuse to Assemble Anything, Ever

I’m not handy.  I’ll never be handy.  Does that mean I can’t put some things together with simple instruction?  No.  But if you hand me some kind of IKEA dresser that has more than 20 steps then there’s no way I’m gonna take that on.  It’s that simple.  Let me tell you where all of this is coming from.

About a week ago I ordered my wife a Nordic Track elliptical machine for her birthday.  Before you judge me, she requested it and has been requesting one for years.  I’m not the dick husband who is giving my wife a “hint” by ordering her a piece of exercise equipment.  Now that that’s out of the way we can get back to our story.

I of course was very excited to give her this gift, and when I told her that it was coming to our house she was very excited.  Consider her birthday gift a success.  I was pumped.  Fast forward to now and we’re at the delivery stage.  Nordic Track partners with Ryder trucking company to schedule a delivery of the product.  Here’s the problem.  The delivery is going to be curbside.

Know what that means?  It means the delivery guys are going to lug some giant box off the truck, put it on the ground, and take off.  No one will be bringing the box inside my house.  And no one will be assembling this machine for my wife.

I did a little research on this bad boy and I can tell you this: assembly is not going to be easy.  Let’s just say this entire thing has turned from a joyous birthday gift to what I anticipate being a total nightmare scenario.  But will it?  That depends.

I will be hiring a service to assemble it

My wife is not a fan of spending extra money on anything.  It’s just the way she is.  No matter how many times I try to explain how important time is to me, and that spending money to reduce the time it takes to do something is worth it, it’s like a genetic alarm goes off in her head that says, “warning, extra money being spent, abort, abort!”  Still though, I think that the more years we’ve spent together, the more she “gets it.”

The funny thing is that of the two of us, my wife is extremely handy.  In fact she loves putting things together for the kids.  I mean we’re talking 100 steps or more for things like playhouses and slides and what not.  But this elliptical?  I’m just not buying it.  This thing’s going to be a serious pain in the ass.

How we spend our time counts

Remember how I wrote an article about how I refuse to go grocery shopping?  The same exact principal applies here.  The second something becomes an inconvenience to me or just “isn’t worth it” that’s when my genetic switch goes on saying “stop doing this because it’s stressing you out.”

It all comes down to time.  My time is not best spent doing grocery shopping.  And my time is certainly not best spent assembling Nordic Tracks when I have zero handy skills whatsoever.  Which means I’m going to do every single thing in my power to avoid having to assemble it myself.

In this case a service will cost about $100.  Is that worth it?  You bet your ass it is.  What will likely take these guys an hour at most, probably will have taken me 6 or more.  And in that six hours I would probably injure myself, sweat more than I’ve ever sweat, and likely not even get it right.  That could lead to my wife getting injured and a complete regret of ever buying this thing.

My rationalization is that in the six hours I’ll save I can more than make up for the $100 I will spend on this service.

Useful and joyous, not stressful

By no means am I saying that you shouldn’t be assembling your own Nordic Track if you decide to buy one.  What I’m saying is that you need to take how you spend your time seriously.  Pay attention to the things that bring you joy as opposed to the thing that stress you out.  If you love building things then assembling a Nordic Track might be for you.

But if you don’t, do what you need to do to avoid said project.

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