Who is the Best Fictional Basketball Player of All-Time?

You’re expecting me to say Jimmy Chitwood aren’t you? You forgot though that in the world of basketball, just like anywhere else, time moves on. Jimmy Chitwood was awesome in his time, but as of now, in this millennium, and today, he’s not the top of the list any longer. Let’s make it plain and say that he was the inspiration for how a basketball player should act and how they should play. He gets all the respect in the world for being the guy that others looked to when the chips were down. But the best fictional basketball player in the world? Right now he would get honorable mention if not a place in the top ten.

Who then gets the nod for the best fictional player?

Hold onto your seats for this one: Billy Hoyle.

That’s right, the white, goofy-looking chump that stretches it out before each game and doesn’t look like he could tie his own shoelaces much less hit a single shot. Before you try to crucify me for my answers, let me tell you the reasons for this.

It was hard to choose between Sidney Dean and Billy Hoyle.

Seeing as how these two starred in the same movie and on the same team it’s kind of tough to separate them. But we saw what Sidney could do right from the start. He’s awesome and there’s no doubt about his skill. But Billy still had more potential he hadn’t tapped yet. And keep in mind when Sidney was hustling him Billy came close to winning the game on his own, essentially scoring against everyone else. Then there’s the hook shot from the “Sudan” that landed his girlfriend a spot on Jeopardy. And then, let’s not forget the dunk.

He’s about as honest as a hustler can be.

It’s a fault as well as a boon in his favor that Billy is at least honestly hustling those he plays. That might seem like an oxymoron of massive proportions but it’s true. When he hustles Sidney he doesn’t try to backstab him in any way. He takes his money and leaves. Yet when Sidney sees the chance he doesn’t hesitate. Billy might be a bit of a hot-head, and he is a hustler, but beyond this he doesn’t try to cheat people that he works with as a rule. Unfortunately it’s this naïve manner that gets him into trouble.

What he lacks in substance he makes up for in quantity. 

His game, his trash-talking, and his style of play more than make up for his look, the fact that half of his trash-talking is ridiculous, and that initially his game is limited against some players because he can’t dunk. He gets a few good zingers in there from time to time but when it comes to ‘yo mama’ jokes he’s kind of a lost cause. On the court though his nickname should honestly be 7-11, because his mouth just never seems to close.

So go on and lambaste me over my choice but I’ll stand by it. By the end of White Men Can’t Jump Billy Hoyle has become one of the most complete fictional basketball players, and the best, of all time.


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