For all of you “tweeners” out there who simply don’t understand fine cinema that involves people other than Hanna Montana, let me point you to a classic that’s right up there with your Breakfast Clubs and Sixteen Candles of the world:

Three O’Clock High is the story of a weenie who must overcome a bully who he is set to fight at 3:00PM after school. It is the true story of triumph, courage and the desire for greatness. But who played the bully? His name is Richard Tyson and I think Buddy Revell is one of the best characters of all time.

Since then? You might remember him as the bad guy in Kindergarten Cop and the crazy cop in Something About Mary. Tyson remains an actor and I’m still waiting on Four O’Clock High: “He Put a Kick me Sign on My back”

Love this guy

Did anyone ever like the character “Skippy” on Family Ties? Was there even a point to him being on the show? I mean the guy was just a loser obsessed with Mallory even though she was a moron. And Skippy was a dorky smart guy. So essentially you just had a guy thinking with his dick parading around their house with penis fog covering his eyes.

And you just knew that the guy was just as dorky in real life as he was on the show. There’s just no possibility of that guy even being remotely cool. So what’s he up to now? Latest I heard, Marc Price (his real name) was doing stand up comedy drawing most of his material from Family Ties. That makes sense. The show began 25 years ago.

His most famous quote? ” I’m so HIV-paranoid, I can’t even watch VH1. It’s too close.” Man this guy is a loser. Shouldn’t he be on one those celebrity living in a house shows by now? I like that he hangs out with Screech.

I’ll tell you what happened to Ogre. He was just in one of the worst movies of all time: Hancock. The guy has ballooned to at least 300 lbs and looks crazier and scarier than ever. His real name? Donald Gibb. That’s nearly as bad as Fred Palowaski. I would love it if this guy were related to the Gibb clan of the Bee Gees.

I know he’s the Ogre and all, but you just can’t mention this guy without talking about his role in Bloodsport. I love when the weirdly large Chinese guy says “OK USA!” and Gibb copies it to Van Damme. That and when Chong Li paralyzes him. Serves him right for talking all that trash.

So I guess this article wasn’t really a “Whatever Happened to” as much as a “Look at the size of this guy now.” P.S. He’s almost 54 years old.

Frederick!

“I sink I have a frush.” “Maybe we can have robster craws.” You guys all remember Toshiro from Revenge of the Nerds. Well that guy is Brian Tochi and if you have a good enough memory you’ll realize he was also in a few of the Police Academy movies.

Man did this guy have a good run in the 80’s or what? Did you know he was the voice of Leonardo in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 1 and 2? Surprisingly enough that’s when his career moved to television and not movies anymore.

If there were a Toshiro Takashi sitcom coming out, I guarantee it would be successful. Just have him get hammered and ride a tricycle for 30 minutes. Instant hit. Brian’s still around but mostly doing voice overs for cartoons these days.

Toshiro! “F&cking Great!”

As I was about to go to sleep last night I decided to watch the first 15 minutes of Teen Wolf. And it dawned on me that Scott’s (Michael J. Fox) basketball coach was one of the classic characters in movie history: Coach Finstock, played by Jay Tarses.

The guy actually tried to forfeit in the middle of the game to let the other coach beat the 5 o’clock traffic (by the way the coach for the other team played Roger Podactor in the movie Ace Ventura).

Classic line from Finstock: “everything else is cream cheese.” So what’s Jay Tarses up to these days? Mostly producing and writing. Notably he wrote The Muppets Take Manhatten and one episode of “The Comedy Factory.” It’s hard to think this guy is almost 70 now.

Here’s to cream cheese.

I’ll tell you what happened to Mia Sara: A leading role in Legend with Tom Cruise before landing her part in as Ferris’s squeeze to an eventual major hiatus from being in any known movie. Sometimes women just disappear.

I remember seeing her in the movie Timecop with Jean Claude Van Damme (1994). And if you type her name into any search engine and check out the image results, you will find plenty of nudity. So she’s got that going for her….which is nice.

But other than that? What is “Sloan” up to these days? Looks like she’s still trying to be an actress. Her last known role was in a TV series called Tinseltown. By the way she got an award for her role in Timecop! Amazing (albeit it was a Saturn Award, whatever that is).

I was hoping it was for her perky breasts.

“You shit on my house!” Oh yeah. We all remember good old Kenneth do we not? The red haired dorky friend of Patrick Dempsey in the movie Can’t Buy Me Love. Remember how pissed he was when Dempsey tried to apologize in the arcade? Awesome.

So what’s Courtney Gains (yes Courtney) up to these days? I remember the last time I saw him was in an episode of Seinfeld as a video store clerk where he had really long hair.

But Gains still acts (and produces). I think his most notable role was in the movie Dorm Daze where he played “Lorenzo the Black Hand.” Seriously though, he does plenty of TV and I hope people still shit on his house.

Kenneth!

He was most memorable as the overweight friend of Scott (Michael J. Fox) in Teen Wolf as well as the bratty rich rival Francis in Pee Wee’s Big Adventure. “I know you are but what am I? I know you are but what am I?…… Spearmint or Fruit?”

But what the hell is Mark Holton up to these days? I assume not much considering I couldn’t find one damned recent picture of the guy. IMDB has one of him with a mustache.

In any event, Holton is now 50 years old, is still an actor, and still eats tons of cheese.

Remember little cute red haired Sam from “Different Strokes?” Those adorable southern dances and the thunder he stole from Gary Coleman were marks of brilliance. But what happened to the little fellow? His real name is Danny Cooksey.

You might remember him in the movie Terminator 2: Judgement Day as a punked out 14 year old which is pretty representative of his real life. Other than playing the complete dick Budnick on “Salute Your Shorts” Cooksey spends his time still combing his long hair and heavy metaling it up with various bands (including one formed by Steve Vai).

Funny, I always just assumed he sat around masturbating to old episodes of Different Strokes (hopefully not the infamous child molesting one with Dudley, Arnold and the man with the bicycle store). Cooksey also does voice overs for Cartoons.

Sam Mckinney!