As most of you know, one of the things I pride myself on is the ability to spot a complete tool that has nothing better to do than try to trick everyone into thinking he’s much cooler than he his.  Part of this deception involves wearing multiple earrings, making ridiculous hand gestures, pouting lips, and even alluding to the fact that he’s part of the mob (which a real mobster would never do).

And while I kind of knew this didn’t just happen here in the U.S. I was hoping that it didn’t.  I was wrong….very wrong.  Turns out in Russia there a bigger and way more dorkier contingent of these gangster would be douchebags.

Luckily for you I have a gallery of these putzes.

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He’s 16.  He calls himself Italian Gangsta.

Let’s get something straight.   I don’t condone child abuse.  I really don’t.  But while this kid is still under the care of his parents, I think senior Gangsta should step in there with his own bat and beat the living crap out of his little punk son.

Just a word of advice.  That’s all.

Orfeo!

Despite the fact that this particular gay man can probably whoop my ass?  Yeah, I’m allowed.

“Have you been on the slide at club USA?  It’s…intense.” 

Honestly folks is there anything other than this picture worth mentioning?  This kid Vinny, or Da Real Ginny, or whatever he calls himself, actually took the time to set up this picture.

He took the picture.  He put it onto his computer and then uploaded it to his Myspace Page.  Then he actually features it on his page because it’s supposed to look good?

I’m obviously doing something very wrong with my life.

Ginny?

I posted this dude a long time ago and I have no idea what his name was then but I know it wasn’t Bootze.  Honestly it doesn’t get any more stereotypical than this guy.

Every hat, earring, hairstyle, prop, anything this guy does is solely to be “in.”  It’s solely to be cool.  It’s to be “with it” or whatever lame phrase you’d want to use.

I honestly don’t think there’s one sincere thing about this guy other than the fact that his goal is to not be real.

Bootsie?

I kind of felt bad for this guy.  One little picture all lonely and stuff.  Sure I’ll be your friend buddy.

Like “House of Pain” was even gonna do anything?

Why because he stepped to you Snoop Dog?

God I love that movie

I mean I always knew there were douchebags in other countries but to know that the clubby, greasy, earring generation is there?  Come on now.  Douchey people in other countries are just supposed to be mean and smell bad.  They’re not supposed to be Myspace tools.

Oh wait?  This guy is from New York and is simply shining the fact that he’s Jewish!  So basically that makes it 100 times worse because now the people of Israel have to contend with this crap.

Sorry guys.  We’ll try and keep these punks to a minimum

I see no evidence of turn table spinning on Mr. Mob DJ’s Myspace Page.  And even if I did, the fact that his pants were lower than his buttocks in a pathetic attempt to be “urban” would bother the living hell out of me.

Looks like the damned guy is wearing huggies for Christ’s sake.  Pick up your pants and be a human being man.  And what’s with the red shirts with skulls on it?  I think even the heavy metal crowd would beat you up for that one.

Mob Shallow!