As I got annoyed walking to Penn Station seeing all the folks gearing up for the Puerto Rican day parade a thought ran into my head (and the annoyance was at Penn Station not the Puerto Ricans).   Given all the other country parades that we have here in New York City, why aren’t there “American Day” parades in other countries?

Sure at the surface it seems easy.  America is a melting pot of sorts (although it’s really Manhattan) and it houses the people from other countries more so than they do us.  We simply don’t have much of a presence in other countries like other countries do here.

But I’d have to imagine there’s gotta be some country out there that has a nice little community of Americans.  Preferably rednecks.  Or even just a bunch of Guidos from Brooklyn.

See how that country feels when a bunch of huge sunglassed, collared up assholes are playing techno and bopping around like morons for 8 hours.

Fine, Puerto Rico, Poland, Ireland, etc etc.  Great.  You’re from there.  Do we really need to have a parade about it?

And this isn’t to be racist or anything like that.  I think parades celebrating a “people” from any country really don’t need to exist.  Holiday parades, fine.  I get that.  But why do we need an entire day to celebrate the fact that you’re Irish, Mexican, Chinese, whatever?

OK, St. Paddy’s day can stay though.  I love seeing drunk cops.  But still, that’s probably more of a holiday anyway.

*And yes I know Puerto Rico is an American territory but come on guys.  It’s not really American.

No matter how long I live and how many situations I will get into in my life, there will always be those people who pay absolutely zero attention to what it’s like to be a decent human being.  And the funny thing is that it’s not terribly difficult to think of others.  Just try a bit please.  Just a tad.  That’s all I ask.

But I tell ya, it really pisses me off when some tasks that are incredibly simple to carry out aren’t.

Here are five common etiquette issues that really piss me off

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As we concluded yet another season of “The Biggest Loser” last month and will be embarking on a new season pretty soon, it got me thinking.  Shouldn’t the creators of “The Biggest” series trademark this name and expand on their success?

There’s no reason you couldn’t start an entire portfolio of reality shows that feature “The Biggest” theme.  In fact I think it would be a fantastic venture for these guys.

And just to show how nice a guy I am,  I’ve provided them with five solid ideas to start them off….

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Everyone still thinks I’m huge,” says Hart, 33, whose post-pregnancy body was the subject of cruel Internet attacks after she gave birth to sons Mason, 3, and Braydon, 14 months, with husband, Course of Nature lead singer Mark Wilkerson, 32. “But I’m not anymore!”
Hart understands the confusion. After all, the public has grown accustomed to seeing celebs get back in their skinny jeans mere weeks after giving birth. “There are enormous pressures put on you in Hollywood,” she says.

A couple of things.  Was Melissa Joan Hart ever attractive?  Once.  She was ONE time and it was in Maxim when she was 100% airbrushed and even then she still looked like herself, which isn’t attractive.

Let’s move on to point two.  Is it people like Melissa Joan Hart we’re supposed to be looking up to here?  Shouldn’t the goal be to NOT gain 42 lbs in the first place.?  We give too much merit to those that are already well overweight who lose weight.   Again, don’t get me wrong.  If you lose weight it’s great.  I’m not discounting it in any way….but….

More credit should go to those that stay in shape and not those who don’t have the discipline to keep it off.   Congratulations to Melissa.  Yay for you.  But where has this woman been all this time?  Why is this the cover of People Magazine?

Again, I don’t understand this crap.  You know who should be on the cover of fitness stuff?  People like Lisa Rinna.  People like Jane Fonda.  How to be fit and STAY fit.

Let me preface this by saying I really enjoy my Hewlett Packard computers.  I own a tasty little laptop and a slimline which I’m using at this very moment.  When this little itty bitty problem began on May 12th I had thought it was an HP problem which prompted my pissy post I put up about hating technical support (something I still hate by the way).

The problem arose when out of nowhere my printer didn’t work anymore.  It was fine for about 6 months and then poof, no more.   And not to bore you guys with so many details, it’s a spooler problem?  Yeah, whatever that is.  Turns out an update in Windows Vista 64 caused this to happen.  Amazing an UPDATE caused my printer not to work anymore.  You have to be kidding me.

(and yes I did a System Restore which didn’t do shit… for all you techies out there)

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I cannot wait for the amount of comments I’m going to receive from women on this one.  Ladies, relax.  Just relax.    It’s all fun and games, and it’s not like any of these women give a rats ass about me anyway.  So anyway, men.  We’ve all had dreams.  We’ve all wished we’d taken down more women in our lifetimes.

And we’ve all certainly had visions of being able to sleep with the likes of Paris Hilton or Lindsay Lohan.  I bring these two up simply for the fact that they seem the most bitchy and it would be a hell of a resume edition to say you were all up in one of those.

But me?  I want to be remembered for different women.  Attraction isn’t really a requirement.  These women in my eyes would elicit such a fun response from my group of friends that it would be worth it.

Here are 10 women I would have sex with just to say I did

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I just spent the last 24 hours dealing with complete bullshit on my computer.  I can’t even begin to talk about the mess.  It’s pathetic.  I hate it.  I hate tech support.  I hate how they make you wait at least 20 minutes between departments.  I hate how they ask you 15 questions before even starting (the same 15 questions for each damned person).  I hate how after all of this they wind up doing the EXACT same things I tried on my own after researching the internet.

It’s the biggest scam I’ve ever come across.  Moreso, I hate these cookie cutter answers they give you on the phone even though I’m cursing.  “I understand your problem sir, and we’re trying to find the best solution”  even though I just said “dude, you guys are pissing me off, be human about this and talk to me for real.”  Shut the fuck up.  Do you even know what I’m saying?  I’m cursing on the phone and you can’t be a real person?

I needed to vent.  Thanks guys.  By the way I’m doing a 100% system restore on my computer which means all my porn gets wiped out.  No worries though, it’s all on a disk baby.

I’m gonna go ahead and start with the underlying truth that I am a heterosexual male.  Does it mean that I love chewing tobacco and fixing trucks?  No.  Does it mean that I wear pink shirts with the collar up?  No.  So I’m not a super male, but I’m certainly not a meterosexual.  I’m just your normal dude.

The reason I bring this up is that I’m not ashamed to admit that I sometimes piss in a stall even though there are urinals in a bathroom.  Not to mention I don’t have the patience to sit there and wait all the damned time.

Some might take this as me being a little puss.  But you know something?  I just turned 30 and I really don’t care.

Here are five instances when pissing in a stall is totally fine

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EA Sports.  It’s in the game.  Well apparently not.  Apparently it’s shipped in a box and is used for beating the crap out of people.    For those of you that don’t know, EA Sports is the proud producer of the video game The Godfather.

As part of the promotion for the original video game, EA tossed a bunch of oranges onto the streets of some major cities. For The Godfather II, EA did something different and shipped some reviewers of the game a set of brass knuckles. You may be wondering what exactly brass knuckles have to do with the game. The game gives players upgrades as they take over crime rings that vary from armored cars to bullet proof vests; one of these upgrades is a set of brass knuckles. 

EA quickly realized the error in sending the brass knuckles due to the fact that they are considered illegal weapons in some states.  Problem is, by asking for them back, aren’t consumers breaking the law by sending them?  Mmmmm?  Mmmmm?

“How about a Fresca?”