An animal semen-wielding menace is on the loose in the United Kingdom. A strange man approached two teen girls and smeared a white, sticky liquid on their clothing in Bury, near Manchester, last month, the Mirror reported. Their account is suspiciously similar to attacks that occurred on teen girls in the same area from November 2009 to January 2010. According to the BBC, one 15-year-old victim reported a man sullying her with liquid, while a 14-year-old said a man bumped into her and wiped an icky substance on her while she was with her mother.

Imagine your legacy being “animal semen-wielding menace”. I can’t figure out if that’s bad ass or not. Instead of pulling the gay card because it’s semen, I’m going to go the route of celebrating the capabilities of the human mind. Think about all the ways you can commit a crime. I could walk outside and piss on oncoming traffic and be known as the ‘traffic-pisser’. That’s when you realize ‘Traffic-Pisser” vs. “Animal Semen-Wielding Menace” is no comparison. See why I’m having trouble with this?