. The Stages of an All-Nighter |

Oct 08 2012

Phases of an All-Nighter

Published by at 9:00 am under Editorial

No one, and we mean not a soul on the planet, likes to pull an all-nighter in order to cram weeks of info into one night. When you combine hot coeds at the library, a hangover from the weekend activities, and the hated exhaustion at 3am, things can get pretty dicey on actually retaining what you’re doing.

But because every college kid will have night’s of falling asleep face first in a book or on a keyboard, we wanted to give you some warning signs to help you avoid zonking out – especially since it’s midterm week at most schools. It’s bad to sleep and miss out on studying, but it’s worse to completely sleep through the exam or deadline completely! So take these as a sign to grab a 5-Hour Energy should they hit you, and pray you somehow pass that miserable exam.

Coffee Overload

At this stage, you’re Student ID has basically become a $25 Starbucks gift card, as you down three cappuccinos and possibly an energy drink to get jacked for writing that paper. Thanks to fucking around for a little bit too long, you’re not getting started till midnight, and have about seven hours to type that 15-pager, or remember what the hell Freud was talking about.

Attention Deficit Disorder

Well, the energy defintiely hit you, except you’re spending it seeing what’s on everyone’s status updates, tweets, and what girls decided to take self portraits on Instagram today. Everyone needs a break or two – or so you convince yourself – so you’ll be fine to work in small increments…


You’ve been going at it for a good three or four hours, accomplishing about 90 minutes worth of actual work. You know why you can’t focus? You’re so incredibly hungry, that’s your stomach’s actually overpowering the music from your Pandora station. So take a 3am run to Mickey D’s and grab yourself a greasy burger to get your mind back on track!


You may be full as hell, but the food actually worked, and you’re right on track! It’s about 4am, and you’re cranking things out like the Marshawn Lynch runs through tackles! Only a couple hours left, so a little more motivation and you’ll be ready to celebrate!

Drunken Beastmode

You’re growing really bored of sitting here doing the same stuff, and slap happiness has defintiely already sunk in. Time to say “screw it,” and break out the Smirnoff. Sure, only half of the paper’s actually done, but it sucks anyways, so we say it’s time to have some fun!


It’s 7:30am, you’ve somehow made it through the night, and are still a little buzzed from the late-night shots. That drunken hook-up you took home from the library just woke up, so although your paper’s a real piece of crap, at least you can applaud yourself on scoring a great piece of ass!

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