Sep 13 2012
Anybody whose ever been stoned knows the feeling. It’s a lazy Sunday and you’ve been inhaling nothing but THC for the last hour. Suddenly, nothing in the world matters except for how good a big fat burrito would be right now. But once you realize that in order to obtain said burrito you have to leave the security of your dank-ass room, which means not only engaging in physical activity, but also exposing yourself to a world of people just waiting to judge you.
As you step outside into the bright sunlight, feeling the eyes of all those sober souls looking back at you, you immediately think to yourself, “Crap. Everybody knows.” But have no fear my toker friend, because you know how to trick them all.
Okay, so you’re strutting down the street in your hip Ray Bans, thinking you got this under control, when all of a sudden you run into someone you know. Don’t panic! You got this. Smile and say “hi,” and let your friend carry the conversation. There’s no way you’re paying any attention to what he/she is saying, so naturally your mind is going to drift somewhere else. Snap out of it! The jig’s up the moment you get caught staring at the flower next to your foot.
This may seem like a no-brainer, but unless it’s night time, it’s a necessity. Sure you may look a little douchey wearing shades when it’s overcast, but it’s nothing compared to the look people will give you when you try to talk to them with eyes almost entirely closed. Do yourself a favor and throw them on as soon as you step out that door.
Speak with Confidence
Well done, you’ve made it to that really crappy Mexican restaurant down the street. Now all you have to do is order your food and you’re on your way back to the rest of that blunt you left on your bed. But don’t get cocky. Ordering food is a stoner’s nightmare… so many things can go wrong. All you have to do is tell yourself that you know exactly what you want and that you are going to get it, no matter what. So walk up to that cashier and demand that burrito. Even if you aren’t making much sense, chances are the cashier can make out what you want. Just push through it and you’re home free.
Don’t Eat Your Food Till You Get Home
So you have your food in hand and you’re on your way back. Your stomach is growling and you can smell the chipotle wafting out of the bag. Don’t surrender! Nothing screams pothead like a dude stuffing his face with a burrito/donut/pizza as he stumbles down a crowded street. Just keep your eyes on the prize and in no time you will be in the safety of your room going to town on that burrito without any fear of of authorities stopping you.
Show Fake Interest
This is a widely accepted and approved method for anyone trying to get through a conversation with a girlfriend, and can easily be adapted to this situation. A common mistake of stoners is actually attempting to follow what a sober person is saying. Trust us, it’s not worth it. You’re just gonna hurt your head and look like an idiot. Instead, just respond with phrases such as, “Cool, dude,” and “That’s sick.” If you’re feeling real ballsy, you can even go ahead and ask an extremely generic question such as, “What are the odds?”
Even More Uncoachable Stuff
- That Gun Doesn’t Stand a Chance
- Four Reasons Why You Loved Hotels as a Kid but Can’t Now
- Things To Bring To A Party
- Five of The Biggest Take Out Food Buzzkills That Happen to All of Us
- Why Facebook is Killing Your High School Reunion