. Reasons Why the United States Rules |

Sep 11 2012

Why America Owns

Published by at 9:00 am under Editorial

Well it’s September 11th, and before eleven years ago, that was just another date on the calendar. But before getting too deep into things, bringing back awful memories about what happened, we’re giving some reasons why our country is better than any other on the globe.

We all know the red, white and blue is something to be flown proudly, so here’s a message to anyone who thinks their country is better than ours – Don’t even try f*cking with us! So while it’d be great to live somewhere overseas, here’s a number of reasons why our country’s the best in the world. They might be simple, but their impact is indisputable.


Besides America, only Canada has a professional sports league. Canada people! This is one of the most obvious choices on why the U.S. is so much better than any other country in the world, it’s not even funny. When you can convince grown men to hit each other with limited padding, while running full speed, damnit your country rules. Sunday’s and Monday’s during the fall and winter should only be dedicated to couch sitting and going back and forth between games. Absolutely no objections.

Natural Light

If you know anything about us, you know that Natty’s our drink of choice. Yes, we love downing shot after shot of Fireball whisky, but when we’re looking for an all day rager, it’s Natty that we rely on to do the trick. How American is Natty? Besides the obvious fact it’s brewed by American born and raised Anheuser-Busch, it’s what our forefathers built this great country on: Buying low, and getting the most out of your purchase. Just look at the damn Statue of Liberty!

Girls Gone Wild

We’re not here to give you a damn history lesson, but we all know nudity and/or strip clubs didn’t originate in America. But thanks to the simple concept of girls getting naked, came the idea of having other sexy girls duplicate it without feeling a bit too skanky. Being on a college campus is great for partying and scoping ladies, so when you add those things together with girls that do it purely for the excitement of being on camera (thanks to some influence), and you get one hell of an idea!


All those people who complain about how big of a dick Steve Jobs was, or how Apple’s taking over their lives, needs to pull back those reins a bit. There’s a reason why those headaches of restarting your computer everyday at the same time have gone away. Or why you can play hooky and head to a ballgame with your buddies because you can do all your work from an iPad or iPhone. And did you really plan on running on that treadmill with your Discman? Come on, just accept this company for what is it. Arrogant, innovative, and successful. So yeah, about as American as all hell!

Kate Upton

There’s a ton of different sexy chicks, most notably down in Brazil, but the past year or so has been nothing short of spectacular for Upton. Luckily for blonde hair, blue eyed American broads everywhere, each time this Michigan gal struts her stuff, it’s a reminder that American girls shouldn’t bow down to any other bitches out there!

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