Sep 10 2012
Stand up if you know who Cristiano Ronaldo is. Now that the entire room is reluctantly on their feet, let’s just get this out of the way: All men loath dudes like C-Ron. We call him a pretty boy who flaunts his wealth, fame and talent in our faces by doing extravagant things, and rolling through mega hot girls as if they were mile markers on an interstate.
When we heard he was “unhappy” for being in Spain, playing for one of the most popular and successful soccer clubs in history with Real Madrid, we kind of smirked and deep down kind of felt happy. After all, the guy’s like Tom Brady – he seems to have it all.
So while we’d never wish misfortune on anyone, here are some reasons we think CR7 should just keep is lips preoccupied with his model girlfriend, and not in front of a microphone crying about his unhappiness.
Umm, Irina Shayk
Just like we all know who Ronaldo is, every guy on the planet is well aware of the many talents of Irina. She’s an international supermodel whose graced the covers of a ton of different fashion magazines, can be found posing (gracefully) in lingerie all over the internet, and can even be seen in Kanye’s video “Power.” You’d think sleeping next to one of the sexiest women on the planet would cancel out any doubt of unhappiness, but supposedly, not for Cristiano. Maybe she snores or something?
Yes, that’s as in millions, which is the estimated net worth of the 27-year-old Portuguese player. We know that $3 can get you one of those Gatorade after workout protein shakes, and that $480 can get you a month under a roof at our house, but do we (or will we ever) know what $160 million large ones gets you? Probably not. But Ronaldo does, and he should remember that he can buy just about anything he wants.
Have you ever seen some of the do’s this guy rocks? Any single person in their right mind who’d even attempt some of that crap would get their ass handed to them. But somehow he can show up with a skrillex haircut mixed with a rattail, and he’s looked at as a fashion symbol. Trailer park kids only wish they had such luck.
The geniuses in Beaverton are pretty F’in smart, so if you happen to be the face of an international marketing campaign that involves wearing a swoosh across every article of clothing you have on, you’re a pretty lucky person. Ronaldo just so happens to be the LeBron of soccer right now – everyone hates him, but they secretly kind of find him cool. And Nike’s very cool, and will have his back long after his playing days end.
His Free Kicks
At the end of the day, soccer’s all about scoring goals, and besides little Lionel Messi, there’s not many people that even come close to doing that better than Ronaldo. If he’s really that unhappy, here’s a bit of advice for him: Go google your name, add the words “free kick” after it, and see how nearly the entire page is filled with goals that literally make your jaw drop. There has to be some solace knowing he’s got just about the sickest shot on the planet, right?
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