Aug 21 2012
Everyone loves eating, but let’s be honest, it can get a little boring. Like clockwork, the time hits 12:30, you run with some coworkers to Subway or the building’s cafeteria, and waste the hour talking about each other’s weekends and how big of an ass your boss is.
Well we’ve had enough of the boring lunch! Remember back in high school (and in some extreme immature cases college), when you could still have fun with your food? When you stocked your tray with six things of banana pudding, ’cause you knew what was about to go down? That’s right, we’re here to give you the ways to bring back the food fight, and how to do so in an oh so epic way.
We served some hard time once (okay, an in-school suspension), for our “involvement in planning and executing a food fight.” Hell yeah we did! And we’re damn proud of it too. The way we were able to go down in lore is simple: By telling those who wanted to either take part or witness something magical. Go ahead and whisper to everyone about things, and make sure the word doesn’t get out to teachers, bosses, or anyone else that might shut you down. Look, anyone can load up and throw food at someone unassuming, but to make it memorable, make sure everyone’s armed.
Just like you would in the sack, you don’t want to blow your load too soon. The last thing you want to do is give your hand before anything’s even happened, so avoid grabbing three trays, piling slices of pizza on top of one another in order to dominate this damn thing. Be subtle, and make a bunch of trips for smaller items, like salad toppings, sandwiches, and anything that can be broken into smaller pieces for more ammo.
Nothing’s Off Limits
Now’s not the time to feel guilty. You know the intern just started, or the shy girl’s eating by herself, but if they’re in that room, they’re free game. It completely sucks to know you’re dressed for the occasion, wearing thrift store duds, while your Department Head just got back from shopping at Burberry; but that grape Kool-Aid you happen to have in your hand shouldn’t stay there for long if you’re trying to pull off something memorable. A stain just comes with the territory.
Rarely do things get to be popular by word of mouth these days. So while it’s cool to know you can tell everyone about what you and your coworkers or friends just did, until they see the documentation, who really cares? Set it up by getting all the pregame and postgame action, and, of course, the actual flying food.
Don’t Get Caught, But if You Do, Lie!
As we said above, the biggest mistake we made was getting busted. Though you may be the biggest perpetrator, you don’t want anyone else to know that. Blame anyone and everyone else that was there. A food fight can’t be glorious unless everyone’s involved, so sweet talk your way out of things by stating the facts – the entire Sales team thought it’d be funny to throw food, so we should all be held responsible. Are they really going to can all your sorry asses? Doubtful.
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