. The Best Ways to Pay Off Student Loans |

Aug 20 2012

5 Ways to Pay Off Student Loans

Published by at 9:00 am under Editorial

No one wants to fall in debt, especially when you find yourself unemployed after graduation and realize the past four years didn’t get you anywhere but in the red and about 20 pounds overweight.

It’s great to party for four years (okay, seven), but once you step off campus, you’re just another 20-something trying to pay off student loans. Well here’s some easy tips to help get your ass out from under all those bills, and back into the game!

Donate Sperm/Eggs

Everyone seems to want kids these days, but not all those people have the chance to. That’s where your young, fertile semen comes in. As a dude, why wouldn’t you want to get paid to get yourself off? You probably do it about three times a day already – especially during summer – so get yourself paid for it! For chicks, we don’t know how it actually works, but we’re sure it’s a painful process to give some of those things away, so collect that cash and start looking around for babies who weirdly resemble you.

Do People’s Homework

You might not be the smartest person on campus, but if you’re willing to offer your brain to other kids, you’re already ahead of the curve. In the end, it’s not you who’s going to fail out of school if the damn stuff’s wrong, it’s them. Go ahead and rip some shots while working on Johnny College’s calculus. You’re getting paid and partying, that’s ingenious!

Buy and Sell Books

Let’s review some quick Econ 101: Buy low, sell high. It’s as simple as 1-2-3. Talk to your friends, frat bros and sorority sisters, and tell ‘em you’re taking the same class next semester, and want to buy their book. They’re nice, so they give it to you on the cheap. Than go ahead and make that quick profit by turning around and selling it to some unassuming Freshmen. If you have some sort of a conscience, the guilt will only last a couple days.

Win the Lotto

As you know, this one’s not the easiest way to get cash, but hell, you might as well try! Every college kid has a couple spare bucks in their pockets after a crazy bar night, so while you’re doing the walk of shame, pop in to a gas station for some Gatorade and a Powerball ticket. Who knows? You got lucky last night, maybe that luck will carry over to today?


The oldest trick in the book. You’re already getting drunk and hooking-up with random people, so rather than feel bad about never calling him/her back, take that number and put it in your little black book. That’s a new client you can call when your next payment’s due. A little word of advice to pick up new customers – hang out around the math and science building, those are typically the kids that aren’t going to pound town anytime soon.

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