. What to Expect at a 90th Birthday Party |

Aug 10 2012

It’s Your Grandma’s 90th: Here’s What to Expect.

Published by at 9:00 am under Editorial

If you can’t tell by the name of the post, here’s your explanation. We had to pack up our bags, and cram into the ol’ family car to drive eight hours up to Ohio for our Grandma’s 90th birthday. And since we love our Grams, we’re dedicating a post to her.

We’re guessing it’s going to be a decent time – it usually is when you have cousins who through down like it’s freshman year of college. But while we hope to cure our monster hangover on Sunday by downing water, we won’t be able to get rid of the awful memories that are undoubtedly going to happen, so here’s what we’re expecting once we walk into that room of family members.

Awful Music

Anyone who knows an old person understands that their taste of music isn’t exactly on key with what’s popular. So while you hope they’ll be playing all the hits to get nasty on the dance floor to, you can pretty much expect a good serving of Frank Sinatra, Tony Bennett, and anything else that will put you to sleep. Be prepared to sit around and make awkward conversation.

Zero Hook-up Chances

You might hope that some hottie shows up because her Grandparents are old friends (literally) with yours, but don’t hold your breath it’ll actually happen. Trust us, there’d be nothing better than picking out the (only) hot girl in the room – even though she’s not actually hot – realize she’s actually not a distant cousin after all, and guzzle some mimosa’s before sneaking off for a quick hook-up. This is our dream, but there’s no way it happens.

Early Bird Special

When we first talked about planning this little shindig, it was going to be a dinner, with a ton of alcohol, and people dressed in their Sunday best. Problem is, old people don’t do that sh*t anymore, so the whole “treat it like a wedding reception” idea backfired. Instead, all the gray-hairs thought it be best to do a brunch, since all of them can’t stay up past 8p. Really? How the hell are we supposed to get hammered and make an ass out of ourselves when we haven’t even recovered from the hangover from the night before?

A Ton of Fake Smiles

You’ll be in a room full of people you haven’t seen in about 10 years, so they’ll be telling stories about how they remember you “way back when,” and how you’ve grown up so much. Once they get a little comfortable, they’ll be cracking jokes as if they’ve been with you everyday, asking questions about girlfriends, and making sure you’re cool with them. Problem is, you’ll hate your life for having to even entertain the thought of replying.

Really Unattractive People

While you’re used to being in a crowded bar with hot chicks at every turn, you’ll quickly be reminded that your family, their friends, and most of the time, any family friends, are all really ugly. They dress bad. They smell bad. They’re awkward as all hell. If you mentally prepare yourself for this, than you may just be able to get through this. But even expecting the worst won’t make the situation any better.

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