. Stages Before Guy's Go Bald |

Aug 09 2012

The Stages of Balding

Published by at 9:00 am under Editorial

Let’s face it, no one’s cool with going bald – unless you’re MJ or Statham. But just ’cause you’re not okay with it, doesn’t mean it’s almost inevitable for you to start dropping locks like Tiger Woods does porn stars.

You may think your genes are solid and it’ll never happen to you, but just wait till that first kid pops out, you’re on your third wife, and the stock that, “had nowhere to go but up,” doesn’t exactly work out the way you hoped. Maybe then you’ll start stressing out about the things that really matter, and not just what girl to call this weekend.

We all may not be there yet, but in due time you’ll probably see these different stages of balding. Before you know it, you’ll be looking just like a conehead.


This is your classic case of, “I’m way too young to be going bald.” Common by those whose Dad has a straight line of hair going strong at age 60, and actually looks better than you in pictures. You can rub your fingers through it all you want, or avoid admitting it, but that’s not making it grow back.

“Just Keep It Long on Top”

So you’ve got past Stage One, and have finally admitted you’re starting to get a little thinner… but you still don’t look like Mr. Potato Head just yet. Your decision? Asking your barber to take a little of the sides, but keep the little fur you have on top. Why? Well if you can see it up close when wet, then maybe you can trick other people it’s still all there when dry.

Hats: Lots of Hats

Well it’s just about gone. None of the “tricks” you’ve read about have worked, but you’re not quite ready to give up hope. While shopping around for the right stuff to kick those little guys in the rear and start growing, you believe to prolong the process by just covering it up. But that’s just like running from the IRS for paying your taxes… it’ll eventually get you before too long.


You buy the garbage about regrowing hair in 80% of the guys who used it, and sadly found yourself in the 20%. You talk to other bald guys to see what they recommend – as if that’s a fool proof method; and start finding yourself buying every product on the market that may actually work on you! Sorry bud, it’s time to admit it.


Still not ready to let yourself go, huh? Well you’re not fooling anyone with that dead animal on top of your head, and we know you can’t go in a pool or anywhere windy with that on. Sooner or later the truth’s coming out, and at this point, it’s probably going down in a much more embarrassing way than you could even have thought. Think breaking-up a fight at a bar or something random.

You Accept It, But Lose All Dignity

Congratulations! You’ve finally become a bald man. The journey of fighting it was simliar to hanging on to your ex, but after all those years, it’s happened. Wait, what’s that you’ve got going on? You’re taking the opposite of Stage Two, and deciding to go bald on top, long on sides? Damnit bro, you’re completely hopeless…

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