Jul 23 2012
So you want to crash the biggest day in two peoples lives, huh? First off, congratulations. You’ve taken the first step in becoming a true dickhead. Not only are you showing up at a formal event, where no one else knows a thing about you, but you’re stealing the fun from the poor souls that actually traveled long and far to be there.
Since you need to know the difference between “accidentally” stumbling into a reception and actually living through the entire ceremony and after party, we’re here to help. Follow these tips, and you may just find yourself sitting at the head table, shmoozing the newlyweds and getting to know some of the wedding party along the way.
Never Go Alone, But Never Be More Than Two Deep
A wedding is essentially a big party, and when the hell have you every showed up dolo to one of those? We just feel bad for you if you answered, “last week.” With the assumption that you know you’ve got to have some support when in a group setting, we’ll remind you that bringing along someone doesn’t mean getting all your boys to tag along. Too many people, and things start getting a little suspicious.
Do Your Homework
We’ve all seen Wedding Crashers, where they study the film, and learn a little about some family members. It’s impossible to think you’ll have the time (or care that much) to do something like that, but you do need to at least know a couple things about the bride and/or groom. Start with simple stuff like where they went to school, were born, or a couple of their siblings stories. Oh, and don’t forget the simplest thing: Figure out if there’s a certain theme to the bash.
Never Tell the Truth
You’re name sure as hell isn’t what it says on your ID – unless it’s fake of course. Have your back story and make it believable. You might want to go all successful on their ass and say you’re the rich cousin who owns his own biz and just flew in from Europe, but get real dude, that’s way too much work. People will test you, so on top of a name change, stick with subtle things like a slightly more successful you, that way you’re on point with anything they fire your way.
Don’t Hog the Spotlight
While you want to be those guys that are leading everyone in shots, or getting up on stage with the band, you can’t forget that your main objective to crash was 1) to say you’ve crashed a wedding 2) to score some ass, and 3) the story. The biggest mistake you can make is actually believing your own bullsh*t and getting kicked out halfway through the electric slide.
You’ve gone through the trouble of ironing your shirt and dressing up, so don’t half-ass it once you’re there. Take a couple whiskey shots to loosen up, and get to the church early. Yes, you have to show-up at the ceremony before the reception, or things will look way too out of whack. Once there, treat everyone like a million bucks, and don’t make it obvious you actually don’t know anyone. Avoid anyone from the front two rows in the church till at least a couple songs deep, then treat the thing like it’s New Year’s Eve!
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