Jul 03 2012
The Fourth of July’s tomorrow, damnit. And while there’s plenty of time to celebrate what our forefathers gave us with a keg of Bud Heavy, BBQ, and fireworks, truth is, you need to be wary about who you enjoy such festivities with. Just one mistake in inviting the wrong person, and the entire party goes to hell.
To help avoid such travesty, we’re giving you a little precursor of people that you don’t want to find yourself with the entire day – or the next morning hungover. You may think you’re just being nice, but watch what happens the second any of these downers walk into your house.
Boss or Coworker
They may seem harmless, but just because they overheard you talking to your friends about the killer party you’re planning, doesn’t mean you should feel guilty they have nothing going on. Do you really want the awkwardness of mixing work with pleasure? Of course you don’t! They’ll either shadow your ass the entire day, because they’re too shy to talk to anyone else, or they’ll get hammered and make an ass out of themselves, leaving you in the precarious position of trying to deal with that whole situation. There’s a reason they had to invite themselves to your party, so let them drink alone while watching fireworks.
It’s common sense that no one likes their in-laws, so that should be self-explanatory. And your parents? Do you really want your parents to know about how immature you still are at your age? Don’t even think aboutÂ rocking that American flag speedo you thought would be classic to wear, ’cause it’s not happening in such company. Your Mom will scold you for being gross and drunk, and your Dad will get yelled at by every chick for being a perv and trying to skinny dip.
It’s always important to at least tell the neighbors you’ll be having a party, but never actuallyÂ invite them. You’re just giving them the heads-up so they don’t call the cops on you, and so they sit there wondering if they’ll be imposing should they stop over. If they do come, it should just be a quick, “Hello,” while dropping off something like cookies. Go ahead and offer them a beer and be on your best behavior, ’cause you have to see these people every day, without ever really getting to know them. Don’t let them see what you do when you’re not making small talk at the mailbox every day.
Any Single Friends
There’ll be ton of hot ass running around your pool, so why would you want your friends calling dibs on bed and bathrooms? When you extend an invite, you’re basically telling them to go HAM, and treat the day like it’s college all over again. While that should be what the day’s about, you don’t want an all out orgy going on in your house – well, unless you’re included. Go ahead and invite your single friends, but be prepared for your house to wreak of the SAE house for the next week, while finding used condoms and panties for the rest of the year.
You already know they aren’t shy when asking for just a dollar or loose change, so there’s no way you should invite them to go all crazy at your party.Â As if the stench of booze on them isn’t enough to give that away, maybe the fact they’ll be sneaking shots and taking that five-finger discount on everything in your house is. Do we really think you’d consider inviting a homeless dude to your party? Nope. But we wanted to remind you that you’ll regret the hell out of it if for some reason you did.
Even More Uncoachable Stuff