. 5-Hour Energy Is The New Cocaine |

Jun 29 2012

Why 5-Hour Energy Is Just Like Cocaine

Published by at 9:00 am under Editorial

Unless you’re the most boring person on the face of the earth, you’ve seen those miserable 5-Hour Energy commercials. You know the ones, they talk about “that 2:30 feeling” during each day of work, and encourage you to take a quick shot of B vitamins in order to pick you up, so you don’t crash like you do with coffee.

F that. Popping a quick fivey is like taking liquid cocaine. Don’t believe us? Well let us tell you exactly why buying one of those multicolored shots at the register, is just like buying a quick bump off your local Charlie Sheen partygoer. Only difference is it tastes a hell of a lot better, and your street cred takes a major hit.

Hours of Energy

A no-brainer, both cocaina and 5-Hour’s give you exactly what you need, when you think you need it. We’re not saying it’s ever a good idea, but ripping a quick shot of caffeine to make the night last into dawn happens quite frequently – like, every weekend – so why not take advantage of our wonderful country allowing such a useful over-the-counter “drug”? Coffee will just give you the sh*ts, and no one needs all that at the bar.

It’s Not Cheap

Much like dropping $150 on that quick 8 ball you scoop from “your dealer,” paying $4 for a damn shot of energy seems a little steep. Consider the fact each one’s gone in less than three seconds, and it hurts your wallet even more. While the makers of 5-Hour argue it’s because their main competition is the coffee industry – and we all know how expensive that crap is these days – we’re not buying it. To keep up with the dealers, you’ve got to make your own market.

You Feel Like You’re Doing Something Wrong

Call us pedestrian, but every time we’re drinking and just so happen buy a 5-Hour, we always feel like we’re doing something illegal. We get unusual stares from the cashier, and questions like, “You’re really making it a night, huh?” Well, indeed, we are. If we’re not going to snort that yayo, than we might as well get something that makes us just a little rowdier than everyone else… hmm, just like coke would?

It Always Ends Well

When we chug a quick energy shot, we get crazy ass. We’re not sure of the stats, but it’s pretty high thanks to us turning into a super horny dude, who thinks his wiener’s magical prowess should be enjoyed by every lady at the bar. What’s that usually mean? Typically a night waking-up with some decent looking girl, finding a used condom beside her bed, or at a strip club, sitting alone, talking to the bouncers and strippers. What a joy.

Same Side Effects

Like most things, 5-Hour has a variety of side effects that “users” need to be aware of. Interestingly enough, they’re pretty damn similar to what a coke user would say – numbness in arms and face, dizziness, chest pain, and illegal heartbeats. It may taste like someone’s pouring Sour Patch Kids straight down your throat, but we’re guessing you’d also enjoy snorting a line that just so happens smells like fruit.

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