Mar 28 2012
The sad reality about college is that after a night of drinking too much “apple juice,” it’s inevitable that you’re “a bit under the weather” the following morning. And by under the weather, we mean you’ll want to blow your damn brains out. There are varying degrees of the evil hangover, some not so bad, others unspeakable.
SInce it’s impossible to escape the worst feeling of your entire life, when you mix lack of sleep with heavy dehydration, a pounding headache, and a feeling where you don’t know if you should eat or just fast, here’s a few of the more notorious hangovers that we’ll bet you’ve endured during your drinking excellence.
F My Life Hangover
All you remember is that you definitely killed some drinks last night. You may or may not be covered with sharpie marker tats, and you definitely regret that 12th shot. You’ll most likely be bedridden all day, so grab yourself water and bread, mixing in some Advil, and you’ll likely survive. You might want to put a bucket next to your bed too, just in case last night’s dinner decides to remind you how delicious it was going down. It’s not quite the 24-hour hangover, but it’s close to it.
Go to Cure: Water/Powerade, Excedrin, and bread.
21st Birthday Hangover
The fact that you’re even alive right now is testimony to how much you owe your liver. The damn thing hates you, but if you die, so does he, so he’ll keep you alive – unless you drink for the next sixty years or so, then he’ll just peace out. Anyways, you’re barely alive. This is going to be by far the worst hangover of your life, so time to suck it up and prep for a day laying on the bathroom floor. Happy Birthday!
Go to Cure: Prayer… or a straight bullet to the head.
Wow I Got Lucky Hangover
For some unfair reason, you feel great. You regret absolutely nothing from the night before, and aside from a dry mouth and a slight headache, you’re good to go. It’s probably because you yakked all over the place last night, but that’s just a small detail. Oh well, better to get it done last night so you can get after it today. You’re even up so early, you might make it to McDonald’s breakfast. Can someone say Egg McMuffin!?!
Go to Cure: You aren’t sick, so go pound a beer!
The 24-Hour Hangover
Contrary to popular belief, the 24-hour hangover is actually the second most dreaded hangover, trailing only the 21st birthday. Hope you don’t have plans anytime soon, ’cause the chances of you moving at all is about slim to none. Oh, and your hangover will get worse while you start to get hungry. But you won’t want to eat because you’re too hungover. And you won’t want to get up to get food because you’re too hungover. Basically, your life sucks today. We’re sorry, but it’s your own damn fault. May God have mercy on your soul, and you learn what your limit really is.
Go to Cure: Time, sleep, heavy duty painkillers, a jug or two of water.
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