Let’s all just take a minute, stand-up, and applaud the creation of porn. Without it, we don’t know how we would’ve made it through our teenage years. It’s provided us sex ed, sex tips, and more importantly, well… you know.

But just because we love it so much, doesn’t mean we have the good fortunes to watch our favorite actresses grow old (not that we’d want to). Since the lifespan in porn is similar to that of a pro athlete’s, here’s how their career path typically goes.

Modeling or Acting

Most of our favorite stars innocently begin their career fully clothed, trying their damned hardest to look sexy for the camera. It’s much more about the stare they have than the giant boobs hanging off their chest. Thankfully, the good ones don’t give up on their dreams.

Homegrown

What better way to show your frustration with not having a steady gig than dating someone, and showing how big a freak you are in the sack? After banging (a lot), and getting talked into filming it, you’ve now made your mark as a camera-hog (no pun intended).

Stripping

It’s not shocking to see most girls work that stage before jumping on set. Let’s face it, if you can dance naked in front of creepy 60-year-old guys, you can pretty much fake moan for about 25 minutes while doing something you already love to do. It’s every stripper’s dream.

Porn Star

Congratulations, you’ve finally made it big time. We’re sure the excitement you provide for high school boys and horny old men is something you’re really stoked about. Get ready for silicon molds of your chest and crotch for those who are really into you – all while thousands of dudes try to bag you anytime you’re out.

Stripping (Again)

Okay, so the whole porn star thing didn’t exactly last as long as you liked, but hey, at least you’ve got the memories! You make the smooth transition back into stripping, and with hundreds of adoring fans still doing their thing to your pics, know any joint in town will want you there. Beware not to hold on too long though, otherwise you’ll just seem desperate.

Trade Shows

You clearly didn’t follow our last advice and wore out your welcome. It’s definitely time to stop strutting around in those high-heels on stage and trying to promote yourself as sexy. You’ve reached the point where you’re a little saggy and only recognizable by TMZ cameras. You may still only be 42, but unless you look like Jennifer Aniston, we’d suggest hanging it up. At least you’re still signing autographs for die-hards at those Vegas trade shows once a year though!

Internet Entrepreneur

Okay, you got the hint… kind of. Sex obviously runs through your veins, so what better way to stay in the porn game than owning your own production company? You’re sitting pretty bringing in the dough, but secretly hope for a Vivid Video Reunion Tour in order to jump back on that pony.

Decline

Yikes! It’s time to take those plastic things out, stop bleaching your hair, and sell that Mercedes, cause you’re broke. The run as a porn princess ended just as fast as the guy you filmed your first scene with.