May 10 2011
Stuff gets stolen all across America every day, but sometimes I think criminals just commit crimes for the absurd court cases they know will follow. That’s most definitely the case this time.
Richards, 50, of the 9400 block of South Burnside Avenue, bought a bag of chips from the store, then began pumping hot cheese from the toppings bar into the open bag, authorities said. But the cashier warned him that the nacho toppings bar is for use only by customers who purchased tortilla chips served in the traditional plastic tray, according to court records.
Richards continued to add zest to his chips as he threatened the cashier, authorities said. When the cashier tried to stop him, he grabbed and twisted her arm, then fled the store in the 1300 block of Souith Halsted Street, according to court records.
Wait, the best part’s coming.
“So what was stolen was …Â the cheese?” asked the judge, casting a quizzical gaze at Assistant State’s Attorney Dan Piwowarczyk.
“The defendant was informed that it was ‘not yo’ cheese,’ ” deadpanned the prosecutor.
The man was sentenced to a year without cheese, and once a week the prosecutor locks him in a room and tells him bad jokes.
Even More Uncoachable Stuff