What to do when an attempted sex act with a vegetable almost gets you killed? Just say it was a suicide bid! That’s what Chin Wei, a Hong Kong man said after he was rushed to the hospital with a cucumber in his ass.

“Chin Wei, 62, said the method was a variation of the Japanese ritual suicide hara-kiri – usually carried out with a sword plunged into one’s own stomach.”

Brilliant save! If only his ancestors were around to see him live out their rich and honorable traditions. I mean, what modern Japanese man has a katana laying around his house these days? He had to go for the next best thing, a cucumber! And everyone knows a cucumber can’t pierce a stomach, so naturally, he had to look elsewhere.

Thank god he didn’t die, I’m guessing his ancestors would have just taken turns pissing all over him in Japanese hell for all eternity.