. Uncoached - Things to Compete in When you Can No Longer Play Sports |

Apr 01 2010

Six Competitive Outlets for Athletically Useless Guys Over 30

Published by at 7:20 am under Editorial


I’m 31-years-old and I just can’t do it like I used to.  I can’t rebound from a crappy night of drinking and go out the next night like I used to.  I can’t play basketball for four hours straight like I used to.  I can’t not stretch, go to the gym and feel fine the next day like I used to.   I just can’t do it anymore.

The worst part of it all is that I’m more competitive than I’ve ever been.  But what outlets are there?  What can I do to show people I’m still better than them?  As a male, once sports are removed the list becomes pretty damned small.

Luckily there are some things you can still do to fuel that competitive fire.  Here are six of them…

Fantasy Sports


Let’s face it.  I’m a loser.  All guys over 30 years of age are losers.  Can we not find something better to do with our time than brag about the fact that we drafted Mark Reynolds in the 14th round in a keeper league?  Or talk shit because of a waiver wire pickup mid season?  And man just check out all that pent up anger on the big boards.  So much trash talk.  I’m convinced the majority of it is done by guys who desperately cling to old memories and have zero lives compared to their college pasts.   Still though, I love fantasy sports.



Even though it’s mostly luck, if you’re sitting at the poker table and have a ton of money and the other guy has little, it’s grounds to give him that “look.”  You definitely can feel “one up” on people during these games and even talk a bunch of shit about the other guy just because you have his money.

Coaching or Pushing Your Own Kids in Sports


Once we’re all complete losers and have no athletic ability whatsoever we turn to our kids to live vicariously through.  While I’ll definitely be doing this at some point in my life, I will never go the distance like some fathers do.  Hell these guys punch umps and stuff.  The lengths these guy go is way beyond what I’ll consider.  I’ll just be happy if my boy hits the winning three.

Country Club Sports


Ping Pong isn’t really a sport is it?  Golf is a sport but requires zero movement and it’s way more common when you’re older.  Bocce ball requires zero athletic ability.  These in my eyes are all “skills” games.  So when you get to the point where you can’t out hustle someone, you turn to games like this.

Endurance Events


The older we get the less weights we lift and the more we run.  It’s just a natural progression.  So things like marathons and other wussy races tend to enter the fray.  Marathons are quite tough though.  That I’ll admit.  But would you ever dream of running a marathon in your early 20s?  No.

Drinking Games

Beer Pong

I’ve had me a competitive Beirut game or two in the last 5 years.  That and even some straight up chugging contests.  Man does it feel great when you can out speed someone in a chugging race or knock in the winning cup.  It’s kind of pathetic but it does feel awesome.

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