Dec 28 2009
If any of you are on Twitter there’s one profile that must follow. It is called “Shitmydadsays.” This is a profile that consists solely of ridiculous quotes that I would consider to be a modern day vulgar Jack Handy’s “Deep Thoughts” type of thing. In short, they are absolutely awesome.
And a warm congratulations to the pages owner, Justin Halpern. This guy used to be a writer for Holy Taco and Maxim. Now? Now they’re working on a TV series based on this Twitter page.
It just proves that if you sit on your ass and write funny shit based on stupid advice from your dad that you can make it in this world. It also proves that some advertisers like vulgarity. So all you male websites bitching about not getting advertising, dreams can come true if you’re assholish enough
Warning, foul language ahead.
1. “You look just like Stephen Hawking…Relax, I meant like a non-paralyzed version of him. Feel better?… Fine. Forget I said it.”
2. “Son, no one gives a shit about all the things your cell phone does. You didn’t invent it, you just bought it. Anybody can do that.”
3. “I hate paying bills… Son, don’t say “me too.” I didn’t say that looking to relate to you. I said it instead of “go away.”
4. “If mom calls, tell her I’m shitting… Son, marriage is about not having to lie about taking a shit.”
5. “I like the dog. If he can’t eat it, or fuck it, he pisses on it. I can get behind that.”
6. “We didn’t have a prom. Dancing wasn’t allowed…What’s Footloose?…That’s the plot of the movie? That sounds like a pile of shit.”
7. “It’s not the gardener’s job to pick up the dog shit. If you don’t want to pick up the dog shit, then learn a skill like gardening.”
8. “No, you can not borrow my t-shirt…How about instead of standing there looking shocked, you do your fucking laundry?”
9. “Anytime someone sells you food in a sack, it’s not a sack of food, it’s a sack of shit.”
10. “Here’s a strawberry, sorry for farting near you…Hey! Either take the strawberry and stop bitching, or no strawberry, that’s the deal.”
Even More Uncoachable Stuff