Ah yes, Mr. Hefner.  I’ve shined this guy for oh I don’t know, my entire life after puberty?  He’s about every single guy’s sexual idol.  We’ve made jokes like “he’s had more sex in the last week than I’ll have for the rest of my life, and he’s over 80!”  And all these things are probably true.   Hugh Hefner is the absolute beast of a man.

And while I would love to meet the guy behind Playboy someday, I like anyone else am allowed to poke fun at the old man.  Not that he’d ever read this or care.  But Hugh, consider this sort of a roast.

Enjoy ten things Hugh Hefner probably says before having sex with a new girl

“Trust me I know what I’m doing.  Loose skin or not, you’ll enjoy this.”

“Just remember that I probably nailed Marilyn Monroe at some point or another so pay your respects”

“So I’m thrice you’re age?  Awesome.”

“Viagra’s got nothing on me.”

“I’m Hugh Hefner.  Yup.  Hugh Hefner.  So suck it.”

“Statutory Rape Does Not Apply To the Playboy Mansion”

“It’ll be great for your career”

“Dentures will just get in the way”

“If you ever ask to wear my smoking jacket again I will have you murdered.”

“After we’re done here, you’re mine.  No, seriously, I own you now.”