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Apr 30 2009

10 Movies That will Inevitably Make Your Penis Smaller

Published by at 3:20 am under Movies

Sex and the City

If there’s one thing I’m 100% ashamed of in this world, it’s having seen 10 minutes of the movie Sex and the City.  What pains me even more is that I had to endure 10 seconds of Cynthia Nixon being taken from behind by a dude in classes.  It’s a vision that still gives me nightmares, and will probably haunt me for the rest of my life.

One thing I also noticed is that as I was watching this movie, every ounce of masculinity was being taken from me.  It’s like I wanted to paint my nails and go shopping.  I was scared, alone, and destitute.  But I quickly turned on some porn and life returned to normal.

However, if you ever want to go limp or better yet, watch your penis shrivel before your eyes, you might want to check out these 10 flicks.

Sex and the City

Sex and the City

After watching ten minutes of this movie, I actually felt my penis moving inward and the form of a vagina started to take shape.  I think it might have been calling out to me “Cynthia Nixon naked!  Cynthia Nixon naked!”



Bette Midler even mentioning anything woman-like is cause for serious concern and vomiting.  Thank the Good Lord I never saw this movie but I know a young Blossom was in it.  Not funny at all.



Since when is Susan Surandon becoming a Lifetime Original.  Oh my bad this movie wasn’t a lifetime original, it just sucked.  Again, I didn’t see it but come on.  As a male, there’s just no way this movie is good.  Mothers?  Give me a break.

Steel Magnolias


I’m sure it was a wonderful movie but let’s be real here.  Sally Field, Darryl Hannah in Glasses, Julia Roberts, Dolley Parton, Olympia Dukakis, and Shirley Maclaine hanging out in a salon?  And a male directed this movie?  Come on Herbert Ross!  Grow a pair.  My balls are shrinking by the way.

Fried Green Tomatoes


Kathy Bates and Jessica Tandy.  It’s not quite there yet, but the chunks are starting to form in my stomach.  Wait a minute…yup, I just vomited.  And the pain from my stomach just made my penis disappear.

Waiting to Exhale


Whether it’s a white ladies movie or an African American ladies movie, it’s still a ladies movie and that means estrogen is in the room.  Not only is it in the room.  It’s all around me, hovering, making me take out the garbage and…yup, I just had my period.

Romy and Michele’s High School Reunion


This is by far the worst movie in the history of movies.  Anyone who disagees with me is wrong.

Girl’s Just want to have Fun


Yay!  Sarah Jessica Parker made the list twice.  Funny, she’s still not pretty and now she’s just younger and not pretty having menstrual problems.  Yes!




The First Wives Club


It was either this or the Joy Luck Club.  Either one is a safe pick.  Anything with “Club” and a poster of 4 or 5 women there’s a large chance your in for a vesectomy.  Oh and by the way, Sarah Jessica Parker again!

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