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Apr 22 2009

10 “What if You Really Are That Guy?” Guys

Published by at 3:20 am under The Myspace Toolbox

Douchebag

As you all know I take some serious pride in making fun of total jackasses.  Any newcomers here can see the rants in the Myspace Toolbox archives.  But don’t these guys deserve it?  There’s just so much trash out there that it’s really disgusting and the bottom line is that we need to clean it up.

So I’ve gone around, looked at my archives as well as those from Hot Chicks with Douchebags and Big Stupid Idiot to find 10 types of guys that just shouldn’t exist.  These are the types that have to realize that they’re “that guy.”  And if they don’t, I’m pointing it out.

Also for anyone thinking I copied this article?  I’ve been writing the Myspace Toolbox for over a year.  Screw yourselves.

Pictures and descriptions after the jump

 Skinny Guy Who Shows off Abs

Douchebag

These are the little schmucks that will do anything and everything to show off their abs.  It’s just too bad they weigh maybe 90 lbs and have nothing but a flat stomach.  Do chicks really like this stuff?

Fake Drinker

Douchebag

Let’s face it asswipe.  You don’t drink.  At least you’re not a hardcore drinker like a true alcoholic who sips on a glass of whiskey on the rocks at the bar.  You’re pretending to down Grey Goose to look cool in a picture.  No.

Hand Gesture Guy

Douchebag

Without fail, this guy will always make some sort of signal or hand gesture in a picture.  Why?  Cut it out man, seriously.

Mirror Picture Guy

Douchebag

Inevitably most of these pictures are taken with cell phones and they generally store about 1000 pictures in their phones.  Um, I’m looking right at you in person f*&kface.  Why do I need to see another 75 pictures on your camera phone?  Could you be more of a cocky prick?

Mushroom Head Guy

Douchebag

100 lbs of Gel and put it straight up.  Seems like a great look for the aspiring STD receiver.   And who are these girls?  Come on ladies.  Get your heads together, please.

Over the Hill Guy

Douchebag

Buddy.  You HAVE to know you’re at least 30 years older than everyone at the bar.  Shouldn’t you go home and change your depends guy?  I mean shouldn’t you have mailed it in by now?

The Third Wheel Guy

Douchebag

Sucks to be the loser of the group guy.  You just sit there all quiet and only speak when spoken to.  What a horrible life.  I’d rather play video games alone.

Collar Guy

Douchebag

I’m getting way too angry to write.

Orange Guy

Douchebag

Oompa Loompa doompity doo.  That sh*t never gets old.

Plain Loser Guy

Douchebag

Let’s just face it, if you look like this dude there’s no hope for you……ever.





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24 responses so far

  • joe

    hahaha, that one bitch in the 2nd picture wit the dipshit fake chugging the vodka looks like cheetara from the fuckin thundercats, jesus that orange tan is terrible

  • evil

    So…basically this article is, What if you really are from Jersey?

  • Mike

    I really hope the ring on that last asshole’s finger is for show. If he’s really married, then there is no God.

  • A-Ron

    @Evil,
    LMAO!!!
    Fucking dead on man.

  • CirrusGuy

    The really sad thing is, I dressed up like a “Jersey Douche” for a Halloween party and it got me laid, with a girl that wouldn’t normally be interested in a normal guy. We call her a douche a seeker.

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  • Student_Of_Man

    OMG Evil! I think I peed myself just a little. Thanks for the laugh. That should be Jersey’s new tourism slogan “Comon down ta Jersey, this Vinnie just got laid so ya know you can.”

  • Nicole

    Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU!

    Finally someone is pointing out these douchebags.

    Can you make a female version of this list, too?! Because there are also a ton of pathetic, slutty loser chicks out there.

  • http://www.assholecream.com Fucking Wops

    I’d slaughter the whole lot of those motherfuckers. God damn pieces of shit. Their brains are non-existent and they stink of poisonous fumes. Their steroid induced bodies will fall apart much like the Governor of California.

  • Steph

    I’d also like to point out the ridiculous ‘kissy-face-pose’ that comprise 90% of female profile pictures (as evident in pictures 2 and 5).

  • walkin dead man

    this is some funny shit. sad thing is if you dress like the douche in the last one you get a lot of offers. you seriously should do a ladies version of this list. btw the emo douche is missing your list is too short.

  • Zero

    what the hell is with the orange chicks?

  • nancydrewwho

    omg the “orange guy” doesn’t even look human! more like a ken doll, only way creepier. I seriously thought the girl in that pic was posing with a figure at a wax museum or something! eeeeek!

  • Snoobity

    Mushroom head pic.
    chick on the right.
    so hot.

  • hatersthesedays

    had to throw my two cents in.

    Here’s my theory. Your fat, broke, and sitting at home pissed off judging people you don’t know. Are you mad you don’t look like a gotti? are you mad you were never invited to the bars? Angry your a virgin?

    pic 1: are you mad you not that ripped? Or are you just pissed off that this dudes probably seen more pussy then you’ve watched porn?

    pic 2: Yes, some bitches like skinny dude A:gets more pussy then you. B:Weighs 100 pounds less then your fat ass.

    Pic 3: What if he is chugging that? are you angry that you take two shots and puke? or just pissed off that you’ve never been in a limo. OR!!! are you just upset that you saw those girls in a porn and hes actually with them?

    pic 4: Nothing wrong with taking a lot of pics of yourself on your phone if you are good looking. I think your mad about how ugly you are, so you hate on attractive people who take a lot of pictures of themselves. Your mad because nobody wants to see your retarded ass in a picture.

    Pic 5: Nothing wrong with throwing up the middle finger in every pic… just means he has a FUCK YOU attitude.

    Pic 6: lol your just once again mad about not being able to get bitches like that.

    WHAT IT ALL BOILS DOWN TO IS THIS

    your fat, ugly, and a fucking loser… stop sitting onliine judging people you dont know. Post a pic of yourself and let us judge you… you fucking hater. Fix your face, fall back, die slow.

  • Natty

    I love this comment. You just WISH I was fat, ugly, and a loser. In actuality I am great shape, am good looking, and HAVE taken down many a hot chick in my day. Sorry to disappoint you bud.

  • Laughable

    wow, hatersthesedays. As the master, Samuel L once said: “allow me to retort!”

    You seem to be the ultimate hater, hypocrite! Got a little self-esteem problem that you can’t laugh at douchy behavior? Nothing better to do on a Friday night [please note, everyone the time this post was made] than bash people online because no-one will take you out? What? did you vibrator go limp when you got it close to you?

    your comment on pic 1: he’s not that ripped, at all. even with full force chest compression, he’s flatter that my 2-year old.

    your comment on pic 2: Anyone can get skinny doing heroin, and that’s probably why you would suck him off. He has heroin.

    your comment on pic 3: there is no fucking way he is chugging that. Can you say alcohol poisoning? He’s just showing off, kinda like you! Did mommy not give you attention? I’d really like to see you chug that shit, and die with the bottle up your cunt!

    you comment on pic 4 almost speaks for itself. I bet your phone is full, like a 14-year old high school girls. ’nuff said.

    your comment on pic 5: nothing wrong with it, huh? nothing except it’s fucking old and as unoriginal as the whole “toss a gang sign” thing. And obviously, you can relate. You have a major “FUCK YOU” attitude. Which is why you have no friends and sit at home alone on Friday nights, TROLLING!

    your comment on pic 6: ohhh, are you losing steam? Did you burn out what little intelligence you had?

    ok, here’s the ultimate: WHAT IT ALL BOILS DOWN TO IS THIS:
    … you’re [gramatical error fixed] a fucking loser…
    HYPOCRITE! you sit at home and TROLL!
    …stop sitting online and judging people you don’t know…
    FUCKING HYPOCRITE!!! what exactly are you doing in your post, TROLL?
    …you fucking hater…
    HYPOCRITE, HYPOCRITE, HYPOCRITE!!!

    Please don’t breed, in fact, why don’t you post a pic of yourself… bleeding out from self-induced wristslashes. Youd be doing the world a favor.

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  • Lamb

    hahahah orange guy! I swear it look like those eyebrows are drawn on, wtf is their appeal!?….I can’t believe they are serious and not trying to be ironic.

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  • Alex

    Hey Natty, So some of my friends happened to tell me about this site for a good laugh and I have to admit, it is pretty funny. I browsed through some people you have posted and they definately do look like tools. But I think you have it all wrong on who you are blaming. You shouldn’t be targeting the guys but rather the girls.

    Lets face it, how many times have we done something that we wouldn’t normally do aka “borderline retarded” to impress a girl? Raise your hands. Anyone who has read this I guarantee has even you. All these guys are doing is impressing women and not just impressing them but dating them. These women are hot and its not just a once every other guy thing. They get them and its because women want that look and attitude. I see this every day and its true with these “tools.” A lot of women want this because they call the shots and set the rules and all these guys did was get that message early and went with it and it paid off. And to the people who leave comments saying they don’t get who thinks that’s sexy obviously doesn’t get it or ever will, and maybe that’s the problem because the guy you talk about does get it and gets it often. It’s not about what us guys think, if a girl likes it no matter how stupid we think it is then that’s what matters. I do not like seeing these guys get the girls but it’s the truth they do. Instead of hating maybe we should congratulate for going that extra mile and not bitch and complain about it but rather get a little edge (Not like these guys lol) but at least a little attitude and work on our “inner bad boy.” So why hate? Really just a waste of time of you ask me. All the time we spend of commenting or saying things and hating on someone, we all could be taking that same time and working on having a girl in our bed. Just a thought;)

    Also I have to slightly agree with a few things that “hatersthesedays” said not for “word for word”, but on how he tried to come about in saying it, and mostly it was on something he hinted at yet didn’t exactly execute when describing you. He talked about you being fat and etc, which we do not really know, but that’s because we do not know what you look like or who you are exactly. It’s easy to put people down when they don’t know who you are. Maybe you should remove all doubt to him and quiet him for good and tell and reveal yourself and show your myspace page to show who you are. Because if you don’t I have to honestly say it comes across like your a coward. Maybe your afraid to have things turned on you possibly? I don’t know but I am sure those are some of the opinions that have been in question when describing you. Well I am done with this book since I talked more then I wanted but goodnight and take care.

    BTW I don’t care how much a girl likes a certain look if she asked me to look orange…My ass is jumping out the window because that is pretty scary, I am not going to lie lol

  • AK

    hatersthesedays, look man, i;m high as hell right now and this shit looked pretty funny, so i clicked on it. The reason we hate on these fake ass douchebags is because normal people like us can get chicks without taking steroids, using mass amounts of hairgel or looking like an orange ken doll. C;mon man, normal dudes dont; need to spend 4 hours getting ready in the bathroom before a night out in order to pick up chicks at a bar/club. These idiots try so hard it’s worth making fun of.

  • http://www.myspace.com/katiegeltz kat

    not only do i hate popped collars, but i think that dude is wearing three shirts… i want to punch him.

    from a chick’s point of view, i can honestly say the only guy that seems date-able is the middle guy from the third wheel picture. he seems to just be there to hang out.

    more than that, i want to take a knife and pop all the fake boobs up there. i grew mine on my own! stupid lazy bitches…

  • Coop

    Look again Kat, I think that one guy is quad-popping!

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