There was a time when Michael Jackson looked real.  There was a time when he was bigger than life.  There was a time that the mere sight of this guy would send people (women and men mind you) into faint.  There was a time when the only way he could leave a concert was in a damned jet pack.

The man was that popular.  Now?  Unfortunately now I don’t think he’ll be remembered as that.  I doubt he’ll be remembered as perhaps the biggest musical performer ever.  He’s gonna go down as a fake looking dude who probably sleeps with children.

Don’t get me wrong.  It’s gross and I certainly think it’s about the worst thing any adult could do.  But it’s a shame that he’s so messed up because he really was a fantastic music star.

In that light, here are my buddy Matt’s top five Michael Jackson videos (with his commentary)

1. Thriller

No surpise to anyone, Thriller is the best Michael Jackson video ever, and arguably the greatest video ever.  All other music videos can suck Thriller’s .  Directed by John Landis and narrated by Vincent Price, Thriller features great costumes and even better dancing.  Best of all, Zombie Michael Jackson looks exactly like ex-Atlanta Brave Otis Nixon.

Here are some cool zombies to look for while watching the video:

The blood-pouring-out-of-his-mouth zombie — I got in trouble when I was a kid because I tried this move with 7Up and made a big mess on the floor.

The popping and locking zombies — serving undeads like whoa.

The zombie coming out of the manhole — what the hellwas a zombie doing in the sewer?  Don’t people go down there?  He must smell like ass.

Bearded zombie in the graveyard — looks just like my cousin Jeff who used to be homeless and shit in a hole in the ground.  Swear to god.

2. Smooth Criminal

Michael Jackson was at his all-time coolest in this video.  It’s worth mentioning that Michael shoots someone in this video, but I’m not sure if the video posted has been censored.  Michael’s dressed like he’s overdoing his fraternity’s Great Gatsby-themed date function, but his dance moves more than make up for it.  Especially “the lean.”  I tried that move one time at a Bar Mitzvah and ended up smashing out my two front teeth on the dance floor.  Still got laid though.  Holla!!!

3. Billie Jean

Michael Jackson molests children.  In case you were wondering.

4. Beat It

Oh lol like beat it like jerking off get it??!?!!  hahahaha

Yeah, anyway, the best part about Beat It is that the gang member with the sunglasses and white jacket is actually the video’s choreographer.  If you watch, you’ll see that he’s pretty much just as good as Michael when it comes to dancing.  Michael, however, is a tad bit better at [insert your joke of choice from the options listed below]

a) dangling babies

b) bleaching his own skin

c) bidding on the bones of the Elephant Man

5.  Black or White

I’ll spare the obvious jokes about Michael’s ethnicity and instead focus on the buzz surrounding this video.  I remember it premiered on MTV at like 8:00 or 9:00 pm and featured Macauley Culkin and Another Bad Creation.  It was the first release off of Michael’s new album “Dangerous,” and at this point Michael was as big a star as ever and hadn’t truly began his freakish transformation.  At the end of the video, which, like the Smooth Criminal video, may be censored, he beats the sh*t out of a car and grabs his crotch like a billion times.  Black or White also features the advent of “morphing” special effects, which were groundbreaking and employed in films like Terminator 2 and Beaches.

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