Dec 10 2008
Ah yes, the beginning of a relationship. The birds are singing, the coffee tastes better in the morning, and there’s such excitement in the air. You’ve never been this happy. You’ve never had this much sex. You’ve never realized how much hope there is in the world. You’re so thankful that you’ve found the perfect woman.
Oh me. Then comes the part where the honeymoon phase (first 3-6 months) ends. All of a sudden sex isn’t new sex. Little things start to get on your nerves and this perfect specimen you once dated isn’t so perfect anymore.
What do you find out? She’s actually a human being! Oh my Lord what is wrong with the world? And once she knows that you know, she lets the statements fly. And here are 5 of them that you just don’t hear during that honeymoon phase.
1. “Not while I’m making a doodie.”
Is that how you spell doodie? Should I have written poopy? In any event, I think it’s safe to say your woman probably won’t utter these lines in your honeymoon phase. However, given enough time, if you try to get into the bathroom, she’s bound to be going number 2 at some point. And if she’s comfortable enough with you….. Bang, there it goes and you’ve officially reached suicidal status. I always thought chicks crapped daisies. Who knew?
2. “You want to have sex now? No Way, I just got out of the shower.”
In the car, in the club, on the table, on the floor. These were a few of my favorite things. You used to do it anywhere, and at any time. Oh how things change. “Not right now, I’m doing my hair.” “You want to have sex while Gossip Girl is on? Are you insane?” When a girl is looking to trap you into being hers, there’s no such thing as television or anything else. Damn you.
3. “You know you love my farts.”
Nope, we don’t ladies. We don’t like them at all.
4. “Your penis is so cute.”
I used to have a big penis when this relationship started. In fact it even used to be called a cock. Now? Now it’s cute? Yeah, that’s the exact word I want describing my manhood. Thanks ladies.
5. “Get out of here, I’m using Nair on my face.”
Most, if not all self respecting women use Nair. But there’s not even a remote possibility this little bottle makes an appearance in the first 3 months of a relationship. In fact, even in a relationship it remains hidden. However, they’ll let you know about it. I kind of wish I never knew.
Even More Uncoachable Stuff
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- She’s Uncoachable: Sofia Milos is about as Cougar and MILF as you Can Get
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