I don’t want to toot my own horn here but if there were levels of masturbation knowledge, I’m pretty sure I’d be Einstein.  To me, masturbation isn’t just a joyful experience.  It’s a way of life.  I take it very seriously, almost like a religion.  And like anything one takes seriously, one must understand both the positives and negatives of the experience.

We’ve all had our fair share of blissful “alone” moments.  But we’ve all also had our embarrassing, guilty, tired, and most importantly, regretful moments when it comes to pleasuring ourselves.

I’ve decided to compile a list that may help (well it won’t because when it’s time to choke the bishop nothing will get in your way) the decision making process a little easier.

Here are the ten worst times to masturbate.

After an extremely long night out at 6AM, already drunk, before going to sleep.

You think this a great idea right?  It would just seem to follow that after a night of drinking and not getting any ass, that coming back for a quick session is the answer.  Problem is, once you reach that 6AM mark, your hangover is going to be a hell of a lot worse after you’ve said hi to your monster.  Try it, you’ll see.  It’s not fun.

When it’s unbearably hot

Same goes for having sex.  It’s just disgusting when you’re all sweaty and yet you feel compelled anyway.  There’s never a feeling of relief when you’re done.

When you have absolutely no clue when your roommate is coming back

The dreaded “caught with your pants down” scenario.  There’s nothing worse than having to hide an erection when someone walks in the room and deep down you know they they know.  Best to leave yourself with at least an hour window.  Risky masturbation is the worst kind of masturbation.

In another person’s house

I’ve done it.  You’ve probably all done it.  But there are two elements going on here.  One.  It falls under the risky masturbation category.  And two.  Dude, you just jerked off in your buddy’s house.  It’s wrong, period.

When it’s unbearably cold

On the other side of the spectrum, there have been many winter moments in my day where I just “had” to do it.  And it always turns out bad.  It’s dry, you feel “small.”  It’s just not good.  Not good at all.

After you’ve already masturbated twice in one day

Once in a day is fine.   Two is kind of pushing it because you sort of feel tired.  But anything after two and it’s kind of like someone just gave you three punches to the face and three shots of whiskey.  You’re hungover, in pain, and definitely don’t want to talk to anyone.  It’s like crack.  You didn’t want to take that third hit, but you had to.  *Bear in mind if you’re a teenager this doesn’t apply to you.

Right before going to the gym

Have you guys ever done this?  Talk about feeling depleted.  I used to do this like an hour before going to lift weights.  I swear to God my bench press was always minus 20 lbs after I had a quickie.  If you’re going to the gym that day, wait until after.  After is actually a good time because all the testosterone is jumping.

When there’s no visual aid

I know plenty of people that are “fantasy” guys.  They like to close their eyes and think of stuff.  I can’t do that.  I hate doing that.  I mean what if some little fat bald guy comes into your fantasy.  I’m not saying that happens to me…ummm, really I’m not.  I’m just saying.  I need porn, magazines, TV guide, something.

When something goes wrong with your visual aid

This is actually a “during masturbation” negative moment.  You’re all set.  You know exactly what scene you want to watch.  All of a sudden you’re at the critical moments and bam, the DVD stops working, you’re internet slows down, anything.  It’s just such a buzz kill because you wanted that moment of truth to come at the right time.  Oh well, better luck next time.

When there’s no ability to clean up

This picture was for no reason but this guy has to masturbate a ton

This is a rare one but it’s bad.  I’ve actually masturbated in a raft before.  I was 16 and in the middle of the bay with no one around but me.  Of course I didn’t think of the cleanup as I was too horned up.  But then you’re finished and like “um, this sucks.”  Luckily I was able to jump in the water to clean off but still, there were some remnants.

Even More Uncoachable Stuff

• To Be That Guy on That Day: Rony Seikaly Grabs 34 Rebounds
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• One of the Best Days in a Man’s Life is New Porn Day: A Seven Step Breakdown From Beginning to End
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• Pimpin’ ain’t easy for Joe Morgan

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