. One of the Best Days in a Man's Life is New Porn Day: A Seven Step Breakdown From Beginning to End |

Oct 27 2008

One of the Best Days in a Man’s Life is New Porn Day: A Seven Step Breakdown From Beginning to End

Published by at 11:00 am under Oddly Enough

Porn Shop

In order for this article to really hit home I must give you guys a small amount of background.  I originally grew up on Long Island and now live in Manhattan.  On occasion I return home to visit the family.  I also happen to have a fiance who I live with.  She is also originally from Long Island.

In generally we go to visit our families together so it’s rare that we’re apart.  However, once in a while I’ll return to Manhattan a day early or by myself, etc etc.  The point is, I am returning home by myself.  And on these rare occasions, what do I do?  I treat myself to a new porn movie.

And let me tell you guys.  If there’s one day in a man’s life that’s worth waiting for and worth getting up in the morning for, it’s “New Porn Day.”

In fact, I’m gonna break down for you guys in great detail.

Porn Shop

1.  The Wake Up:  You wake up and the day is new.  Birds are singing and your day has never been brighter.  The food tastes better and there’s a bit more pep in your step.  It’s the feeling a crack addict gets when he knows he’s getting a score.

2.  The Anticipation:  You make your way to the store.  The nerves start to kick in.  It’s almost like you’re about to rob a bank.  The heart races, and your mouth dries up.  You are freaking out because going into one of these stores is unknown territory.  Plus you’re worried as all hell that people are watching you go in there (which they are, so they know you love to masturbate).

3.  The Search:  Now you know you’re not just in that store for any old porn movie.  You’ve got to see what kind of mood you’re in.  Is it Anal?  Girl on Girl?  Are you feeling filthy?  This isn’t one of those “sure I’ll just buy one” decisions.  At the same time you know you want to get the hell out of the store.  It usually takes me a good 15 minutes of browsing before I make the purchase.

4.  The Purchase:  This is when you feel completely embarrassed and guilty (though I’ve passed that point already).  You hand over the money as quickly as possible.  They wrap the DVD in that brown paper bag stuff.  You don’t even check the price because there’s no way you’re arguing the cost of “Anal Annie’s Super Gangbang.”   You get the hell out of there as soon as possible.

5.  The Trip Home:  You start off nervous as hell because you know you don’t want people looking at you walk out of a porn shop.  It freaks you out for around 5 minutes.  Then the excitement starts to kick in.    You start to think, “Finally, I don’t have to fast forward to minute 2:45 in my old one anymore.  I’ve got some new material here.  I can’t wait to get my ass home to try this thing out.”

6.  The Arrival Home and Viewing:  There’s so much anticipation that you practically “finish” during the preview section.  You’re anticipation is so high that you end up finishing way too soon and don’t even have time to go through all the parts you’re going to “bookmark” for later viewing sessions .  When you’re done you feel completely guilty and disgusting, yet in a few hours you’ll get pumped again.

7.  Cycle Starts Again:  You’ll make for a few weeks, maybe even a few months but those scenes will get old and it will be time to anticipate another “New Porn Day.”

*P.S.  Porn is identical to a drug habit and 2.  There’s no worse feeling than getting a crappy porn.





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2 responses so far

  • http://denseland.com Dubbles

    With websites like “RedTube” and “YouPorn” (not to mention the Torrent phenomena), I can’t see why I would waste my money, time, or reputation (or lack thereof) on a trip to the porn store.

    All in all, I must say that there’s definitely a comedic moment when you see a “Enter in Rear” sign at a porn shop.

  • robb the pirate

    our local mountain bike shop (Full Boar Bike Store) has a sign on the front door which proudly proclaims “Service in the Rear”! in addition, their motto: “Breakin’ hearts and parts since 1997″

    :)

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