Just the other day I was watching the tube and I scrolled around the guide for the movie channels.  I then see that the movie Man on Fire is on.  So I’m thinking “solid movie, haven’t seen it in a while, let’s turn it on.”

All of a sudden, I’m watching Danny Aiello and Dennis Hopper?  Wait a second, they’re not in the movie Man on Fire.  Actually.  They are.  They’re in a 100% crappy Man on Fire that was made in 1985.  So here I am thinking I’d kill 2 hours with a great movie and I’m watching garbage.

Well, it’s happened to me before.  And it’s happened more than once.  Ever wonder why that is by the way?  How can a movie have the same name?  Slate actually posted a good article about this, and I’ll let that article do that talking.

Back to the subject.  Here are 5 movies where I turn them on and get completely bamboozled by a crappier version that’s either a remake or just has the same name.

Man on Fire

Man on Fire from 1987 -An ex-CIA agent is hired to protect the daughter of a rich American family.   This one stars Scott Glenn and Joe Pesci.

Man on Fire from 2004 - In Mexico City, a former assassin swears vengeance on those who committed an unspeakable act against the family he was hired to protect.  This one stars Denzel Washington and Dakota Fanning

Obviously the one from 2004 was better and I was 100% pissed when the 1987 one came on.  Unacceptable.

The Aviator

The Aviator from  1985 - A 1920s mail pilot and a rich man’s daughter crash-land on a mountain full of hungry wolves.  This one stars Christopher Reeve and Rosanna Arquette

The Aviator from 2004  -A biopic depicting the early years of legendary director and aviator Howard Hughes’ career, from the late 1920s to the mid-1940s.  This one stars Leonardo Dicaprio and Cate Blanchett.

Two different movies but how crappy would it feel if you were all amped up to see the Martin Scorsese movie and then all of a sudden you see Christopher Reeve with a mustache on a mountain with wolves?  Wait, what?  Awful

*There’s actually an Aviator from 1929 but it’s never on Television.

Crash

Crash from 1996 -After getting into a serious car accident, a TV director discovers an underground sub-culture of scarred, omnisexual car-crash victims who use car accidents and the raw sexual energy they produce to try to rejuvenate his sex life with his wife.  This one stars James Spader and Holly Hunter

Crash from 2004 - Several stories interweave during two days in Los Angeles involving a collection of inter-related characters.  This one stars  a lot of people.  I loved Terrence Howard in this flick.

To be honest there’s some pretty hardcore sex scenes in the earlier Crash so I think this one might be a toss up.  But in general when the older one comes on it’s certainly not what I was expecting to watch.

Heaven Can Wait

Heaven Can Wait from 1943 - An old roué arrives in Hades to review his life with Satan, who will rule on his eligibility to enter the Underworld. This one stars Gene Tierney and Don Ameche

Heaven Can Wait from 1978 - A Los Angeles Rams quarterback, accidentally taken away from his body by an over-anxious angel before he was supposed to die, comes back to life in the body of a recently-murdered millionaire.  This one stars Warren Beatty.

The two have similar premises but the one from 1978 is pretty awesome.  I’ve seen the old one on AMC expecting to see the 1978 version.  This is probably my worst example of the five but they still have the same name!

The Punisher

The Punisher from 1989 -When Frank Castle’s family is murdered by criminals, he wages war on crime as a vigilante assassin known only as the Punisher.   The one stars Dolph Lundgren

The Punisher from 2004 -After his wife and family are killed, G-Man Frank Castle takes it upon himself to distribute punishment to those responsible for the vendetta.  This one stars Thomas Jane

There’s no question that the newer one is better and most comic book fans are appauled at the Lundgren version.  I still laugh whenever I see Dolph in anything except Rocky IV.

*Bonus

Inevitably the absolutel butchering of a movie Bangkok Dangerous will be showing on television.  It’s easily Nicholas Cage’s worst movie.  But lately they’ve been playing the 1995 one which isn’t half bad.

* I also liked the newer Manchurian Candidate way better than the old, even though the old is never on.

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