Sep 11 2008
I got a little backlash after writing my first one of these. You might remember my 90′s Version of this from a few days ago. While people agreed with the list, they were kind of pissed at the quotes I used and that I didn’t think out the article enough.
A couple of things. One, I apologize for the lack of effort in the article. Second, relax people, these are my opinions and not fact. Again, they are opinions, so calm down.
So I have assembled a great list of quotable 80′s movies and will be sure to include the most mainstream quotes so there are no arguments.
Feel free to comment as I’m positive I will have missed some movies (but there will be an honorable mention list at the bottom).
Ferris Bueller’s Day Off
I didn’t want this whole list to be John Hughes movies so I left off 16 Candles and Breakfast Club (though as you can see I just mentioned them so relax). I felt Bueller’s had more mass appeal. Here are a some great quotes from the movie.
Cameron: He’ll keep calling me, he’ll keep calling me until I come over. He’ll make me feel guilty. This is uh… This is ridiculous, ok I’ll go, I’ll go, I’ll go, I’ll go, I’ll go. What – I’LL GO. Shit.
Econ Teacher (Ben Stein!) – “Bueller….Bueller….Bueller”
Rooney: “9 Times.”
Ferris: Oh, I’m sorry. I can’t come to the door right now. I’m afraid that in my weakened condition, I could take a nasty spill down the stairs and subject myself to further school absences. You can reach my parents at their places of business. Thank you for stopping by. I appreciate your concern for my well-being. Have a nice day!
Charlie Sheen: “My sister wears too much makeup, people think she’s a whore.”
I think nearly almost any quote from this movie is a sure winner. What a classic. But here are a few that stick out to me, and probably everyone.
Spackler (Bill Murray) – He’s a Cinderella Boy! Tears in his eyes I guess! Cinderella story. Outta nowhere. A former greenskeeper, now, about to become the Masters champion. It looks like a mirac… It’s in the hole! It’s in the hole! It’s in the hole!
Judge Smails – It’s easy to grin / When your ship comes in / And you’ve got the stock market beat. / But the man worthwhile, / Is the man who can smile, / When his shorts are too tight in the seat. I also love it when he says “How about a fresca!”
Spackler: And I say, “Hey, Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know.” And he says, “Oh, uh, there won’t be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness.” So I got that goin’ for me, which is nice.
Ty Webb: Honestly there’s just too many from Ty Webb to list here. They’re all amazing. “Don’t sell yourself short judge, you’re a tremendous slouch
National Lampoon’s Vacation
I may be murdered for saying this but I happen to be a huge fan of Christmas Vacation. Don’t get me wrong though, they’re all pretty good. But what’s with the kids in European Vacation? Could they be any less attractive? Anyway, here’s some good ones from Vacation.
Clark Griswold: This is crazy, this is crazy, this is crazy!
Clark Griswold: I think you’re all fucked in the head. We’re ten hours from the fucking fun park and you want to bail out. Well I’ll tell you something. This is no longer a vacation. It’s a quest. It’s a quest for fun. I’m gonna have fun and you’re gonna have fun. We’re all gonna have so much fucking fun we’ll need plastic surgeory to remove our godamn smiles. You’ll be whistling ‘Zip-A-Dee Doo-Dah’ out of you’re assholes! I gotta be crazy! I’m on a pilgrimage to see a moose. Praise Marty Moose! Holy Shit!
There are tons from Cousin Eddie but I like his appearance more than the quotes. However here area a couple.
“I don’t know why they call this stuff hamburger helper. It does just fine by itself, huh? I like it better than tuna helper myself, don’t you, Clark?”
Cousin Eddie: Hey Clark, you look like you could use a cold one.
Clark: I sure could, Eddie.
[Eddie hands Clark his opened beer he'd been drinking, gets a fresh one for himself]
Better Off Dead
One of weirdest yet best comedies of the 80′s. The combination of a young Cusack and Curtis Armstrong (AKA Booger from Revenge of the Nerds) is priceless. Here are some great ones.
Lane Meyer: Gee I’m real sorry you’re mom blew up Ricky.
Little Johnny: I want my two dollars
Charles De Mar: I’ve been going to this high school for seven and a half years. I’m no dummy. I know high school girls.
Charles De Mar: You ski the K-12 dude, and girls will go sterile just looking at you!
Roy Stalin: You’d make a fine little helper. What’s your name?
You either love this kind of comedy or you hate it. I personally love it and Airplane will be appropriate even 50 years from now. Here are a few quotes that will never be forgotten.
Doctor (Leslie Nielson) – Surely you can’t be serious, I am seriously, and don’t call me Shirley
Any line that started with “Looks like I picked the wrong day to quit….
Striker: Guy’s like George Zip
Murdock: The hell I don’t. LISTEN KID. I’ve been hearing that crap ever since I was at UCLA. I’m out there busting my buns every night. Tell your old man to drag Walton and Lanier up and down the court for 48 minutes.
Anything from the Jive Guys is incredible, I particularly like this exchange:
First Jive Dude: Shit man, that honky mus’ be messin’ my old lady… got to be runnin’ cold upside down his head. You know?
Second Jive Dude: Hey home, I can dig it. You know he ain’t gonna lay no mo’ big rap up on you man.
First Jive Dude: I say hey sky, s’other s’ay I wan say?
Second Jive Dude: UH…
First Jive Dude: Pray to J I get the same ol’ same ol’.
Second Jive Dude: Eh. Yo knock yourself a pro slick, gray matter live performas down now take TCB’in man.
First Jive Dude: Hey, you know what they say… See a broad, to get that booty yak ‘em.
First Jive Dude, Second Jive Dude: Leg ‘er down ‘n smack ‘em yak ‘em
First Jive Dude: Cold got to be. You know? Shiiiiit.
Such an underrated classic. I picked it over Top Secret as the two Val Kilmer comedies of the 80′s. Of course he was in Top Gun but that wasn’t a comedy, unless you count the ridiculously large amount of homoerotic undertones. Here are a few from Real Genius.
Chris Knight: Have you ever seen a body like this before in your life?
David Decker: She happens to be my daughter.
Chris Knight: Oh. Then I guess you have.
Chris Knight: So, if there’s anything I can do for you, or, more to the point, to you, you just let me know.
Susan: Can you hammer a six-inch spike through a board with your penis?
Chris Knight: Not right now.
Susan: A girl’s gotta have her standards.
I still have a hard time believing that OJ Simpson was in all of these movies. Here are some classic lines:
Enrico Pallazzo! Enrico Pallazzo!
Frank: Wilma, I promise you; whatever scum did this, not one man on this force will rest one minute until he’s behind bars. Now, let’s grab a bite to eat.
Frank: Oh, and one more thing: I faked every orgasm!
Ed: Doctors say that Nordberg has a 50 – 50 chance of living, though there’s only a 10 percent chance of that.
Det. Nordberg: Drugs… drugs…
Frank: Nurse! get this man some drugs!
[nurse administers drugs]
Det. Nordberg: No… no…
[pulls Frank towards him]
Det. Nordberg: Heroin. Heroin, Frank.
Frank: Uh… that’s a pretty tall order, it’ll take a couple of days for that one.
It’s pretty tough to have one of these lists and not have a Mel Brooks movie in here. Spaceballs is way up there in my book. Here are some that might even make you smile as you read them.
Dark Helmet: I bet she gives great helmet.
Soldier: We Ain’t Found Shit!
Barf: Funny, she doesn’t look Drewish
Colonel Sandurz: Oh, my God. It’s Mega Maid. She’s gone from suck to blow.
I could have gone with Spies Like Us for the Landis flicks but who are we kidding here? This was easily one of the most recognizable comedies between 1980-1985. This is Murphy at his best. Here are a few to make you chuckle.
Louis: Looking good, Billy Ray!
Billy Ray: Feeling good, Louis!
Even Bigger Black Guy: It ain’t cool being no jive turkey so close to Thanksgiving.
Louis Winthorpe III: I had the most absurd nightmare. I was poor and no one liked me. I lost my job, I lost my house, Penelope hated me and it was all because of this terrible, awful Negro.
Billy Ray Valentine: Okay, pork belly prices have been dropping all morning, which means that everybody is waiting for it to hit rock bottom, so they can buy low. Which means that the people who own the pork belly contracts are saying, “Hey, we’re losing all our damn money, and Christmas is around the corner, and I ain’t gonna have no money to buy my son the G.I. Joe with the kung-fu grip! And my wife ain’t gonna f… my wife ain’t gonna make love to me if I got no money!” So they’re panicking right now, they’re screaming “SELL! SELL!” to get out before the price keeps dropping. They’re panicking out there right now, I can feel it.
Billy Ray Valentine: [while acting blind and legless] Hey, baby, what’s happening? How are ya doing? Once you have a man with no legs, you never go back, baby. I know what you’re thinkin’. You seen “Porgy and Bess”?
[the woman begins to walk away]
Billy Ray Valentine: We can make it, baby! Me and you!… You BITCH!
Fast Times at Ridgemont High
I could have listed plenty of movies in the 10th spot here but perhaps it’s just because I saw it, Fast Time is unreal. Here are some to brighten your day.
Mike Damone: Yeah! The attitude dictates that you don’t care whether she comes, stays, lays, or prays. I mean whatever happens, your toes are still tappin’. Now when you got that, then you have the attitude.
Jefferson’s Brother: My brother’s gonna kill us! He’s gonna kill us! He’s gonna kill you and he’s gonna kill me, he’s gonna kill us!
Jeff Spicoli: Hey man, just be glad I had fast reflexes!
Jefferson’s Brother: My brother’s gonna shit!
Jeff Spicoli: Make up your mind, dude, is he gonna shit or is he gonna kill us?
Jefferson’s Brother: First he’s gonna shit, then he’s gonna kill us!
Jeff Spicoli: Relax, all right? My old man is a television repairman, he’s got this ultimate set of tools. I can fix it.
Jeff Spicoli: No shirt, no shoes…
Jeff and Stoner Buds: No dice! Ohhhh.
Brad Hamilton: Right. Learn it. Know it. Live it.
Jeff Spicoli: He’s the full hot orator.
Jeff Spicoli: Hey, you’re ripping my card.
Mr. Hand: Yes.
Jeff Spicoli: Hey bud, what’s your problem?
Mr. Hand: No problem at all. I think you know where the front office is.
Jeff Spicoli: [stunned] You dick!
Honorable Mention: Spies Like Us, Stripes, Just one of the Guys, Top Secret, A Christmas Story, Fletch, Back to the Future, 48 Hrs, Major League
OK, now obviously there are tons more movies we can mention but again, this is my opinion so enjoy the rest of your day.
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