Just say her name around fifteen times: Yesica Toscanini. Then after you say it fifteen times, say it five times but trying to do an Italian accent. I think if I try hard enough and long enough I might be able to have sex with her name.

Now that some major perversion is out of the way, who is she? Most recently you may have seen her in Sports Illustrated and wait a minute, what? This just in, and I’m so surprised. She’s a WAG. Toscanini is dating soccer player Juan Roman Riquelme.

I know I was amped up to become a soccer player yesterday, but you know something? I was wrong. I finally found the secret. I know what these soccer players are doing and I’m so dumb for missing it: Roofies and Spanish Fly. I should have known.

More of Yesica’s Toscaninis after the jump

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